


Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

by GrimWednesday



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Bullying, Eventual Romance, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-11
Updated: 2016-08-11
Packaged: 2018-08-08 03:07:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 32,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7741000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrimWednesday/pseuds/GrimWednesday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It had been a month and a half since No.Mercy ended, and honestly, Changkyun still felt like an outsider. He didn't expect this to change any time soon.</p>
<p>X</p>
<p>  <i>Changkyun kept staring at the rice on the table and the stray bits that had landed on his lap. If he spoke up, he got in trouble, and if he was quiet he would still get in trouble. Damned if he did, damned if he didn’t. Either way you looked at it, Changkyun was screwed.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Trespass

"Again. We're still too sloppy."

At Hyunwoo's instruction, Minhyuk walked over to the laptop placed on a chair and fiddled with it for a second before they all heard the sounds of what would be their debut song once again.

"Come on guys, we're almost done for today," Wonho encouraged them while stretching his arms. Kihyun, Jooheon, and Hyungwon snorted at the futile encouragement, knowing that he was totally lying. Wonho laughed gleefully at their reaction, uncaring at being caught in a lie. 

They all got into positions again, Changkyun regretting his decision to wear sweat pants instead of shorts. Although his shirt was practically sticking to him from the sweat accumulated from their intense practice and his whole body felt overheated, his knees were sore and bruised but they would undoubtedly be worse if it wasn't for the thin fabric that somewhat protected his legs. Still, the heat was worse. 

Once more, they danced through the song. Or at least attempted to; Changkyun happened to slip mid-way through, landing heavily on his hands and knees as he tried to stop his fall. Luckily, he didn't take down someone with him like he had earlier in the day; Hyungwon had looked particularly unimpressed and annoyed earlier when it happened. Changkyun didn't blame him, his elbow was quite sharp and it happened to land on Hyungwon's stomach. 

Noticing that everyone was glancing at him through the practice mirror as they continued through the dance, Changkyun quickly got up and attempted to get back into rhythm with his group members.

They continued practicing this way for another hour before Hyunwoo and Wonho were finally satisfied with their progress for that day. Minhyuk groaned loudly as the music was turned off, dramatically sitting down on the ground and slowly falling backwards until his back hit the floor. 

"I'm dead. Oh god, I think my aches have aches," he cried loudly, groaning in complaint. Jooheon laughed and followed Minhyuk, laying down on the floor too. Hyungwon and Hyunwoo followed.

Changkyun commiserated with them silently. Feeling too awkward to sit next to any of them while they conversed familiarly with each other, he checked his phone for messages before walking out of the practice room to go to the bathroom before they left to go back to the dorm. He quickly did his business and washed his hands, wetting a paper towel afterwards to wipe away the sweat on his face and neck. 

He walked back to the practice room slowly, both dreading and wanting to go back. Hopefully they hadn't accidentally left him behind this time, forcing him to resort to calling a taxi for a ride back to the dorm. The incident having already happened once, he felt paranoid of it happening again. Although everyone had apologized to him for the incident, it didn't change the fact that he was invisible to his group mates to the point where they didn't notice that he wasn't with them in the car until they got a call from him asking where they were (and speaking of.. what an awkward phone call that was).

It had been a month and a half since No.Mercy ended, and honestly, Changkyun still felt like an outsider. He didn't expect this to change any time soon. 

+

"What should we buy? We don't have a lot of allowance left after buying new workout sneakers for Minhyuk, Hyungwon, and Changkyun. We're running low on cash this month..." Kihyun looked worriedly into his wallet and waves of despair practically rolled off of him. 

It was getting closer to dinner time and they were all hungry. The problem was that their monthly allowance was dangerously low and they still had another whole week to go through before they would get more money for their shared expenses.

"We shouldn't have bought sneakers," Hyungwon pointed out from the floor of the practice floor. 

"It was necessary, your workout shoes were worn out and Minhyuk kept slipping from the worn out soles. Besides, this is really my fault," Wonho pointed out quietly from the mirror he was resting his back against. 

Changkyun watched the exchange quietly from where he was laying sideways on the floor, resting on his arm.

Earlier that month, Wonho's mother had fallen ill and contracted a flu that, while not exactly dangerous to her health, was serious enough to keep her in the hospital for a day and in bed at home for another few days of recovery. Wonho, worried about his parent's finances, had asked the group if it would be alright if he could use his share of the money from their monthly allowance to send to his parents for the hospital bill. Shockingly, or not so shockingly since none of them were assholes, everyone else decided to send more than enough money to cover the hospital bill, the medicine and the three days of work that Wonho's mother missed because of her illness. 

But now, hearing Wonho's self-professed guilt, Changkyun's throat clogged tightly with words that wanted to spill out from his mouth. His voice betrayed him, refusing to come out. So he stayed quiet, wishing he had the guts to speak out first.

It was Minhyuk that denied Wonho's guilt with a loud and heartfelt "no!" followed by Kihyun's "it's not your fault!" followed by everyone else's protestations. (Unfortunately, Changkyun's eventually forced but quiet 'no, hyung' was drowned out by the louder responses.)

"If we had happened to send the money to someone else's parents, would you have complained?" Hyunwoo spoke up from beside Changkyun, who startled slightly, having not noticed that their leader was sitting behind him.

Wonho looked shocked at first followed by indignant. "Of course I wouldn't have complained! That's just wrong.. I mean, of course our families come first."

Hyunwoo smiled slightly. "There you have it. Don't worry about the money issue, Wonho, it isn't your fault that we're short on cash. Things just happen, there's no need to place the blame on yourself. Right, Changkyun?" 

Changkyun startled again at the sudden mention of his name, flustered under the gaze of Hyunwoo and a mildly baffled Wonho. Being placed in the spotlight all of a sudden caught him off guard, embarrassment making his whole body heat up and leaving him floundering for a second before he clumsily said "right, hyung!" 

He swore his voice cracked like a prepubescent teenager, and although nobody laughed, Changkyun felt mortifyingly embarrassed. He hid out in the bathroom a couple of minutes later once everyone's attention shifted to Hyungwon and his idea of raiding the building's cafeteria.

Once he was safely in the bathroom by himself did he have the courage to say "I don't think that's a good idea." Of course, only his reflection heard him.

After running his hands under cold water and splashing his face, he groaned out loud at the fact that he had embarrassed himself once again in front of the group. In his defense, Hyunwoo had caught him completely off guard by calling his name, and it looked like Wonho had looked confused too. 

After angsting over his idiocy and grimacing at himself in the mirror for another minute or so, he dried his hands and returned to the practice room, just in time to watch Wonho jumping onto Jooheon's back in joy, whooping loudly.

"Ramen!" He loudly exclaimed while everyone laughed at his enthusiasm and Hyungwon pouted, grumbling under his breath. 

"Ramen and rice! The rice makes it healthy.. or something. Anyway, let's get going, I'm starving," Kihyun commanded. Everyone followed him out, Changkyun quickly picking up his workout bag and following behind everyone else.

It was only when they were packed in the van, Changkyun, Hyungwon, and Jooheon sharing the back, everyone else up front, that Changkyun felt an uncomfortable fullness in his bladder. Changkyun belatedly realized that he had never actually used the bathroom and instead, had another impromptu pity party in front of the bathroom sink, completely forgetting about actually using the toilet. Now that they were well on their way to the store to buy food, he hoped that the place they went to had bathrooms. 

Once they got the store, he tried to inconspicuously wander away without being questioned. He heard his eager group mates argue over what flavor of ramen they would pick, meanwhile he slowly walked away from the group and headed for the back of the store, hoping he would see the sign for a bathroom. He wandered around two more times before he realized that it was hopeless.

On his way back, he spotted Jooheon walking his way. Looking up from his phone, the older boy noticed him and frowned slightly.

"I hope you didn't wander off to buy snacks, we don't really have the money.."

Changkyun gulped and quickly shook his head. "No, hyung, I was just looking for the bathroom." 

Jooheon looked at him questioningly, a puzzled look on his face. "Didn't you go right before we left the building?" 

Changkyun slowly nodded and then looked down at the floor, hoping it would open up and swallow him whole. "I just washed my face.. I actually.. forgot to go to the bathroom." Heat bloomed on his face as he felt like an idiot all over again. These days, it was practically his hobby. 

To Changkyun's surprise, Jooheon laughed. He looked up and saw the other boy cracking up, and unable to help it, a small smile tentatively crept up his face as well. 

"I can't believe you forgot," Jooheon chuckled. "Well, there's no bathroom here.. come on, let's get the others to hurry up so we can go back to the dorm quickly. Can you uh, can you hold it? Or do you want to go to a gas station or something? There's one not too far from here, I'm sure they have a bathroom." 

"I can hold it! Thank you, hyung, but I'll just wait until we get to the dorm, " Changkyun quickly assured him. Silently though, he tried not to revel in the fact that this was the most amount of words that Jooheon had ever spoken to him and this time, he hadn't even mentioned Gunhee's name in passing (Changkyun always assumed that it was a way to forcibly remind him that he wasn't the one that should have won in No.Mercy).

And back at home, under the covers while he heard Jooheon's snoring, he allowed himself to smile and recount the event. 

+

"Move," Wonho grumbled, pushing Changkyun to the side so that he could sit in between him and Hyunwoo. Changkyun tried not to wince as Wonho's knee bumped his hip while he settled down, having procured a bruise there from dance practice.

They were all sitting down around the living room table, and although Wonho usually sat on the far end of table next to Hyungwon and Minhyuk, Changkyun guessed that he was sitting closer because the pot of ramen happened to be the closest to him. Changkyun scooted to the side more, giving Wonho more room but he ended bumping Kihyun, who glanced to the side and arched an eyebrow before looking back at the food at the table. 

It was lunchtime on a Saturday, and they were all starving, naturally.

At the opposite end of the table, Hyungwon was half asleep but he still dug into the food with gusto, eyes half-closed while he mumbled his way through the conversation. Everyone else chattered lightly, Minhyuk already raring to go and do something instead of sitting around. It probably had something to do with the energy drink that Changkyun watched him sneak in before lunch, something he was prohibited from doing. Beside him, Kihyun was making plans for the rest of the day with Hyunwoo’s input, while Wonho laughed at something that Jooheon was saying.

Changkyun listened to the chaos and ate slowly, chopsticks grabbing at the noodles while he tried to avoid Wonho's hand who repeatedly went back for more, hungry as ever for his favorite food. Eventually, Changkyun relented and scooped more rice and settled for that, afraid that if he finished off the rest of the ramen, Wonho would scold him. 

Changkyun was just trying to get a bit of rice off the corner of his mouth with his tongue when Kihyun bumped him on the side. He looked up, bewildered before he realized that Jooheon was looking up at him expectantly as if he was waiting for a response. Changkyun had tuned out of the conversation though, too busy thinking of lyrics for a song he was writing while he idly finished the last of his rice. 

“Um, sorry what happened? I wasn’t listening…”

Beside him, Wonho snorted loudly. The older boy turned to look at him out of the corner of his eye, glaring at him slightly. “It’s disrespectful to ignore your hyungs.”

Changkyun felt sick to his stomach at once, and he put down his chopsticks. “I wasn’t ignoring him, I was just.. I was thinking.. I’m sorry.”

Wonho grabbed a mouthful of noodles and ate them while he continue to look down at him, completely unimpressed. “It’s ‘I’m sorry, _Hyung._ ’ Get it right.”

Changkyun was rendered speechless at Wonho’s anger, and as if it couldn’t get any worse, he saw Wonho clench his fists in frustration at his continued silence and his eyes grew wide with panic. He forced the words out of his mouth. “I’m sorry, hyung! It won’t happen again,” Changkyun responded, his eyes quickly lowering to avoid from looking at the older boy straight in the eye. 

“Hyung, stop it please!” Jooheon intervened. “It’s my fault; I noticed that he was distracted, I shouldn’t have interrupted while he was busy eating.”

Wonho tutted and then chuckled but the sound was grating, as if he was forcing out the laugh. “That doesn’t excuse his manners, Jooheonie. It’s basic etiquette, I’m simply reminding him of it. Isn’t that right, Changkyun?”

Changkyun nodded obediently while he bit his tongue hard enough to bleed, trying to stop himself from getting up and walking away from the situation, realizing that it would only make it worse. 

“Everyone give it a rest,” Hyunwoo spoke up sternly, “this isn’t the time to make a big fuss over nothing.”

Wonho breathed out deeply and huffed out in frustration. “It isn’t nothing, he’s being disrespectful.” 

“Changkyun was just minding his business. He was obviously surprised and forgot to refer to you properly, but really Wonho, everybody else doesn’t necessarily call you hyung all the time. You’re blowing things out of proportion.” 

“No, he’s not.” Minhyuk piped up angrily before he left the table in a huff. They watched him leave in silence before Hyunwoo reluctantly got up and followed Minhyuk, undoubtedly to try to unruffle his feathers. 

“I’m going back to sleep for a bit.” Hyungwon spoke up after a minute of more awkward silence. _“Besides,”_ he grumbled softly as he walked away, _“who cares what Changkyun says anyway...”_

Back ramrod straight and looking down at his lap, Changkyun tried not to let the words get to him. It wasn’t any worse than what he had already heard, really. There was no reason for this whole incident to upset him as much as it did. 

Next to him, Wonho shifted and Changkyun tensed even further. Wonho looked around and sighed slowly before his gaze eventually landed back at Changkyun. He lifted an eyebrow. “Don’t forget to clean up, Changkyun. Today, it’s your turn.”

With his parting words spoken, he lifted up his bowl of rice and dumped it on the table before putting it back in place and leisurely getting up to walk out of the living room. 

Kihyun looked at the food in indignation and let out an angry yell. “I cooked that rice, you know! How dare you waste it!” Wonho completely ignored him, leaving Kihyun to curse him out under his breath while he quickly finished the rest of his meal.

Changkyun kept staring at the rice on table and the stray bits that had landed on his lap. If he spoke up, he got in trouble, and if he was quiet he would still get in trouble. Damned if he did, damned if he didn’t. Either way you looked at it, Changkyun was screwed.

“I’m sorry, Changkyun. I didn’t mean for this to happen,” Jooheon spoke up. “I-” his ringtone interrupted him and he quickly got up to answer the call, although he shot an apologetic glance at the youngest before he left the room. “Sorry, it’s my mom.” 

Looking at the clock, Changkyun realized that he would have to be quick if he was to finish washing dishes before it was time for them to go to the studio. He meticulously picked up every grain of rice on the table and the floor, putting them back in Wonho’s empty bowl. Next, he picked up the dishes and put them next to the sink and started to put away the leftover rice.

Minutes later, Kihyun joined him in the kitchen. Changkyun watched him out of the corner of his eye and happened to catch Kihyun’s stare. With a forlorn look, Kihyun pulled up the sleeves of his sweatshirt and sighed deeply. “I’m only helping you cause Wonho was totally an ass today. Next time I do dishes, you’re totally helping me, got it?”

At the questioning look, Changkyun quickly nodded, grateful for the assistance. They stood next to each other in front of the sink, Kihyun washing and Changkyun rinsing and drying the dishes.

+

They were waiting in the cafeteria, sitting down for a short break while Kihyun and Wonho tried to hustle the cafeteria lady into giving them a couple of free lunches.

Changkyun looked up from his phone and watched as Hyungwon sat down across from him in the table. Avoiding the other’s pensive gaze, he looked back down at the game he was playing on his phone, trying to beat his high score. He knew he was being stared at but he wanted to avoid any confrontation, having had plenty of it that morning. 

Hyungwon coughed uncomfortably and Changkyun looked up expectantly realizing that the other wanted his attention.

“Yes, hyung?” 

“I was a bit rude this morning,” Hyungwon started off quietly. “I’m sorry I said what I said. I know you heard me.”

Changkyun couldn’t exactly deny that without being caught in a lie. 

“Don’t worry about it, Hyungwon-hyung,” he quickly reassured the other. “I’m not angry or anything.” 

Hyungwon sighed and looked sideways down the table where Hyunwoo was watching them with eagle sharp eyes. He seemed to be on alert ever since the morning. Looking back at Changkyun, Hyungwon sighed again and seemed to think of the whole situation as troublesome. 

“It’s not like I really meant what I said.. I was pissed off at the situation.”

Changkyun nodded respectfully, unable to think of anything else to say.

“Anyway,” Hyungwon pointed out as he got up slowly from the table. “It’s not like I’m welcoming you with open arms just because I apologized. I honestly.. I don’t understand why you’re in the group, Changkyun. It pisses me off when I think about Gunhee and Seokwon who were booted off, and for an outsider to just come in and take their place. I don’t think you belong here.” 

There was a loud silence that lasted for a couple of minutes with both of them being too awkward to say anything. Eventually, Hyungwon sighed regretfully and got up from the table to go join Kihyun and Wonho who seemed to be making progress with the cafeteria lady.

Beside Changkyun, Jooheon coughed discreetly, awkwardly trying to look like he hadn’t heard the whole conversation although there was no way he could avoid it, sitting so close to them. Eventually, he scratched at the back of his head and scoffed at the situation. 

“I’m not sure whether you’re supposed to be happy or angry that he apologized at this point,” he grumbled quietly so that the others couldn’t hear him. 

Changkyun privately agreed. Instead of thinking about it, he looked back down at his phone and unfroze the game. Ten minutes later, his group mates brought out a couple of lunch sets that they had swindled the cafeteria lady out of, and they all crowded around and fought for the best pieces of meat. 

+

“What, I don’t get any rice?” Wonho questioned later that night. He looked down at his portion of vegetables and the empty bowl of rice sitting in front of him. 

“No, you idiot. You practically threw away your whole bowl this morning, I’m not giving you any more until you apologize,” Kihyun retorted scathingly.

“I’m sorry,” he instantly offered, stomach loudly grumbling. 

“…”

“I’ll do the laundry for you.” 

“Here, let me serve you hyung,” Kihyun cheerfully agreed, grabbing an empty bowl and filling it with rice without any further fuss.

+

“You know, Minhyuk, it would probably make Changkyun more comfortable if you didn’t glare at him every time he makes a mistake,” Hyunwoo pointed out softly as they watched the youngest walk out of the room.

They were taking a short break during their vocal practice, and everyone was taking the time to relax, drink water, and play around as usual. 

Minhyuk was watching Hyunwoo as he stretched his legs out, tired from having to sit still while they went through each song. At his words though, he batted his eyelashes repeatedly and pouted at Hyunwoo, as if his cute expression would stop Hyunwoo from trying to lecture him. The keyword here was try - Minhyuk made it nearly impossible since he didn’t think his behavior was a problem at all.

“Really, Minhyuk, it’s not a suggestion as much as a request. You know Changkyun gets nervous when you keep glaring at him, it’s making practice last longer than it should.”

Minhyuk wrinkled his nose and frowned. “I can’t help the fact that my facial expressions cause him to get nervous,” Minhyuk scoffed. “And if it’s his fault that it’s taking longer than it should, than go lecture him, not me.” 

Hyunwoo stared at him silently for a minute before Minhyuk squirmed, unable to stand the stern gaze when he himself knew that he was being unreasonable. 

“I’ll stop,” he blurted out seconds later. Hyunwoo instantly offered him a calm smile to show his appreciation and Minhyuk exhaled slowly and deflated, laying down on the floor miserably.

“Damnit, I hate when you give me that look. It makes me feel like a misbehaving child.” 

“That’s because you are a misbehaving child. It’s natural that you would feel that way,” Hyunwoo countered. He got up and held out his hand, and Kihyun who was standing close by handed him a water bottle that he quickly chugged down.

“It’s fun watching dad lecture his kids. I can’t wait until it’s Wonho’s turn,” Kihyun cackled in amusement.

“What are you talking about? I haven’t done anything,” Wonho cut in abruptly. He was sitting down on the couch and taking selfies, moving his head this way and that, trying to find the best angle. Hyungwon was sitting on the other end, doing the same thing with Jooheon stuck in the middle of the couch, half-asleep. 

Kihyun responded with a loud snort. “No, but you’re probably thinking about it. My god, you two really ought to give it a rest and leave Changkyun alone. I’m tired of hearing you bicker over and over.”

“It’s not like you’ve been so welcoming either,” Minhyuk pointed out from the floor, where he was still slumped down.

“You’re right,” Kihyun readily admitted. “But staying quiet and leaving him alone for the most part is better than what you two idiots are doing. We’re supposed to debut in a month and a half, you know? You think that the viewers won’t be able to tell that we don’t get along if we keep on going the way we have been?”

They all thought about that for a second. It was true enough; and a problem like that being noticed by their few fans might serve to damage the group while their careers were just beginning.

They didn’t say anything else and everybody seemed to be into their own introspective thoughts when Changkyun finally walked back in, playing a game on his phone.

He didn’t seem to notice the weird atmosphere and sat down at the corner of the room, where he usually did. A minute later, he smiled slightly and Hyunwoo could only guess that he had finally beaten his high score. 

He sighed and glanced at Minhyuk who was sullenly looking down at the floor while he seemed to be tracing the wood grain pattern.

“Come on everyone, back to practice,” he announced. Hopefully this time, it would go a bit better. 

+

Checking his phone, Changkyun sighed wearily and scrubbed at his eyes, tired beyond comprehension.

He had decided to come to the studio and practice the choreo for Trespass once again, nervous about their impending debut. He was feeling pretty neurotic about his rap as well and was afraid that he would ruin his part while doing the choreo at the same time, hence the reason that he was practicing late night at the studio when today was technically a rare day off for them.

It's not like Changkyun could visit his family though, with them living a good four hours from the city and Changkyun couldn’t really afford to pay for the cost of travel to get there. The last time he had checked his bank account, which he avoided doing at all cost, it had been in the low double digits that signified that he had enough to pay for a few snacks, if that. 

So with no plans for the day, he had come to the studio mid-day and practiced by himself in one of the empty rooms. It was getting really late though, and although Changkyun had texted Hyunwoo about him staying out late and had gotten the ok from the leader, he didn’t want to get there excessively late either when they had a full schedule the next day. 

Chugging down the remains of an energy drink, he went to turn off the music and afterwards, checked to make sure everything was back in order before he turned off the lights and left the room. He walked slowly around the darkened building, checking his phone continuously for messages although there was none.

Footsteps alerted him to a nearby presence and he looked up in time to watch a group of boys exiting one of the rooms, rowdy and loud as they made their way down the hall. He stepped to the side and continued on his way, hoping to avoid conversation with the trainees.

“Look, Changkyunnie’s trying to avoid us,” he heard right as he passed them. Right on cue there was raucous laughter from the other guys, as if the sole speaker had said something hilarious.

Resolutely, he kept looking down, hoping they would walk away. Instead, he heard them stop in their tracks and he braced himself for anything that might happen. 

“What, just because you’re debuting doesn’t mean you’re better than us, newbie.”

“Gunhee should have won, man. I can’t believe they booted him off and chose Changkyun..”

“Nah, the way I see it, Changkyun must have sucked the president’s dick.. Why else would they debut him before the rest?”

“Favoritism, man.”

“Exactly. Disgusting though, what a little faggot.”

The rest of the words were drowned out as Changkyun practically ran off and turned the corner of the hall, heart beating fast and palms sweaty. Hearing the sounds of laughter and hooting, he continued on and found the stairwell, going down slowly now that he could no longer hear the trainees voices.

While not exactly his first run-in with the trainees, he naively kept hoping that they would keep to themselves every time. Though this was definitely the first time they accused of him of committing sexual acts as a way to enter No.Mercy. 

Tiredly, he walked down the stairs, eyes watering in frustration over everything. Why did nobody believe him? Of course he wasn’t promised to win when he entered, they told him straight up that he could end up being cut just like everyone else when they had him sign the contract to enter the show.

But how could Changkyun resist when he felt like it was his last opportunity to make it? His old group had broken up and scattered and Changkyun had been left feeling like a failure. No.Mercy had been his final opportunity to make it. But his victory had been hollow if nobody believed in him, if the fans online demanded for Changkyun to be removed from the group and Gunhee to take his place. Not to mention the fact that his own teammates barely tolerated him.

Stomach sinking further and further as he walked down to the hallway, Changkyun exhaled loudly, feeling his breathing starting to turn erratic. He slowed down his walking to a crawl, having to stop thinking negative thoughts and focus instead on his breathing.

About to pass the brightly lit gym, he stuttered to a halt once he realized that somebody was actually inside. Stepping back to avoid touching the bright light pouring out of the room, he looked into the room and found himself watching the person within.

As they straightened up from lifting weights, he recognized Wonho’s distinctly muscular body from behind as he started to lift and count each rep, voice already sounding exhausted. 

Changkyun found himself hyperventilating even more at the thought of another heated encounter and he had to step back further from the doorway, afraid to be seen. 

Resting heavily against the wall behind him, he prayed that the gasping sounds coming out of his mouth wouldn’t be heard by the person inside the room. Changkyun felt helpless and stupid at the situation he found himself in, trying to slow down his breathing and feeling self-conscious about the fact that his panic attack might be found out by another person.

He waited a couple of minutes until he felt like he had some control before he walked away and safely headed for a nearby restroom, hoping to ride out the rest of the episode in relative secrecy.

Once in the bathroom stall, he felt slightly better. Slowly sitting down on the floor, he pulled in his knees and waited, gasping for air. 

+

It was almost impossible not to notice Changkyun. Wonho knew he was trying to stifle the erratic sounds of his breathing and hiding next to the doorway.

His own consciousness warred within himself, debating whether to go check out if the younger boy was fine or to leave him alone to his own devices.

Whether or not he was upset at the circumstances that happened during No.Mercy that led to the final lineup like it was now, Wonho knew he was taking it too far whenever he instigated problems with their youngest member. Half the time he couldn’t help himself from blurting out idiotic things that placed the blame on Changkyun, it was like a habit now that he couldn’t seem to break out of. 

But this was something different. Wonho was used to Changkyun being sullen and quiet around them, he was used to the wary responses and victim-like behavior that made it seem like he was an innocent in all of this - as if he hadn’t been promised to debut before he entered No.Mercy.

This time, it didn’t seem like it was all a front, though.

Wonho cautiously slowed down his reps, and listened intently to the sounds of rustling from outside, the forced sound of measured breaths and finally, he heard Changkyun walk away from the room slowly. Putting down the weights, he exhaled slowly as sweat rolled down his whole body. He looked up at the mirror in front of him and frowned at himself.

Always a coward when it came to the things that mattered.

Wonho knew that Changkyun was hyperventilating at this very second, unwillingly remembered the way his school friend had suffered the same way over things that would make him anxious to the point where his breathing would start to get affected.

Now he faced a moral dilemma - whether to simply walk away, go home and pretend that nothing happened or to go hunt down the maknae and reassure himself that he was alright before getting them both home. 

He made it as far as the entrance of the building before the guilt forced him to turn around and head back the way he had come.

The first place he went to was the bathroom, naturally. Changkyun seemed to live there half the time they weren’t practicing.

He entered the bathroom and headed for the sink, washing his hands with cold water to cool himself down. Through the mirror, he was able to see behind him and recognized Changkyun’s shoes underneath the stall. With an internal sigh of relief, he bent down and washed his face thoroughly, quickly trying to think of how to approach Changkyun.

There was no desperate and audible gasps for air anymore, and it sounded like Changkyun was mostly over the episode. Deciding that a simple confrontation was best, Wonho reached for some paper towels to dry his face and neck and then turned around.

“Changkyun, is that you?”

He had to wait for another minute, meanwhile it sounded like Changkyun shifted restlessly before he got up and opened the stall door, looking up at Wonho in forced surprise.

“Oh hyung, I didn’t know you were here,” he murmured softly. 

Wonho let it slide, only snickering internally at the bad lie. Getting a close-up of Changkyun, he noticed the weary look the other was wearing as well as the slight shaking of his hands as they clenched around his sweatshirt sleeves. He looked tired.

“I was just at the gym,” Wonho replied evenly. “I think it’s time to leave though, it’s late. Do you want to ride back with me? Manager let me borrow his car.” 

Changkyun looked down at the floor as if contemplating it before he reluctantly shook his head in agreement. “Yes, please hyung. I would appreciate it.” 

Five minutes later, they were in the car while Wonho turned on the radio, desperately trying to fill the silence. Changkyun didn’t look like he was ready for conversation, judging by the way that he was looking out the window with blank eyes.

Anyway, if Wonho tried to talk, it would probably end up with him insulting the other. 

+

Back at home, Changkyun headed for the shower as soon as they got there while Wonho opted to head to the kitchen, hoping for leftover food.

Everyone else was in the living room, watching one of Minhyuk’s cheesy romance movies that always managed to make him cry. 

Kihyun followed him to the kitchen and shoulder bumped him until he moved from in front of the refrigerator door.

“Here,” he mumbled, sticking his hand into one of the drawers until he pulled out a large container. “Mom sent me home with tons of food like always.” 

Wonho cheered by whooping loudly and shaking the shorter boy around like a rag-doll. Kihyun hissed and stepped away as soon as he could break from the hold.

“Don’t eat it all, we’re portioning food remember. And heat some up for Changkyun, he’s probably hungry too.” He settled down on a chair and watched as Wonho plated the food and warmed it up in the microwave, leaving one of the warmed up plates in the microwave for when Changkyun got out of the shower. 

“It was kind of weird seeing you two arrive together. You gave him a ride?” Kihyun questioned curiously. Wonho shrugged and filled his mouth with food. He nodded in response to the question and Kihyun tutted and reached for a napkin, handing it over to him.

“I’m surprised you didn’t fight..” Kihyun murmured in contemplation.

Wonho tried not to feel indignant but he didn’t succeed, accidentally spraying some of the stew out of his mouth before he could help it in his hurry to talk. “We don’t always fight, why do you guys always make it seem that way?”

Kihyun just grimaced in disgust and backed away from the table, “You’re so nasty. Clean up your mess before you go take a shower.”

With that, he left the room leaving Wonho to eat by himself with a scowl on his face. It was the truth though, wasn’t it? Everyone seemed to think that the reason they fought so often was because Wonho hated Changkyun even though that wasn’t the truth.

He just strongly disliked him, damnit. There was a difference. 

Hours later, Wonho kept shifting in bed feeling restless and unable to shut down his mind and stop thinking. He kept thinking about Changkyun and the situation earlier; unable to stop himself from wondering about the reason why the maknae had been hyperventilating. The gasping sounds kept replaying in his mind and he hated the way it made him feel guilty. 

He wouldn’t let it get to him though; because no matter how much he hated looking at Changkyun’s beat down expression, he hated thinking about the final elimination even more.

The knowledge that they had worked so hard and suffered through each elimination burned him up inside, thinking about how Changkyun had never known the pain of hanging by a thread to his sanity every time a name was called out to avoid elimination.

Wonho wondered how he did it, how he bought his way into the show. That’s what ran through his mind every time he looked at their youngest - he kept remembering Gunhee’s valiant attempts at not crying and how he quickly he failed when he saw his best friend Jooheon. 

Wonho couldn’t help it; he really couldn’t forgive Changkyun for being promised to debut without worrying about being eliminated. He hated the injustice of it, it kept burning inside at the pit of his stomach and every time he looked at Changkyun, all that acid poured out of his mouth in insults and jabs.

At this point, he didn’t know how to treat Changkyun any other way but with spite. 

+

Notebook in hand and thinking over the lyrics in his mind, Changkyun didn’t notice that somebody was already occupying the small studio space that served for mixing sounds and coming up with new songs.

He was half expecting Jooheon but he didn’t think that Gunhee would be with him. As if to make matters worse, when he tried to leave the room while hoping that they hadn’t noticed him, Gunhee turned around from the small desk and watched him for a second before shaking his head and signaling him to enter. 

Regretfully, Changkyun entered the room and closed the door again, watching as Jooheon tweaked around with the settings of the program on the computer.

He hadn’t talked to Gunhee since the elimination, never really getting the chance to since their schedule was pretty busy. Not that he would have chosen to speak to the other if he got the chance anyway, simply because he had taken the other rapper’s place in the final lineup. It made for an awkward atmosphere. 

“You ok? You look like you’re gonna be sick,” Gunhee piped up beside Jooheon, eyebrow raised and concern clear on his face.

“He always looks like that nowadays. He must’ve gotten in another fight with Minhyuk or Wonho,” Jooheon spoke up and turned back to look at him.

Changkyun couldn’t really reveal that the reason why he looked sick was because Gunhee was in the room and the guilt was making him feel bad. Instead, he shook his head in response and smiled sarcastically. “Not this time.” He walked further into the room and sat down on the floor, seeing as the two chairs in the room were taken up.

“I think I just had one too many energy drinks,” he added when Jooheon kept staring at him as well.

“Have you been stealing Minhyuk’s drinks again? Make sure he doesn’t catch you or there’ll be hell to pay,” he warned. 

“That was one time,” Changkyun protested half-heartedly. “Besides, Hyungwon told him anyway so I’m not about to make that mistake again.” Itching powder in his clothes was punishment enough, he had definitely learned his lesson there. 

“You look busy, though,” Changkyun cut in. “Are you sure you don’t want me to leave?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jooheon answered. He cracked his back and sighed loudly, wincing when Gunhee slapped him in the back repeatedly as if to help him unwind. “Gunhee’s leaving soon anyway, he’s got a meeting.” 

“True enough,” Gunhee replied, holding his hands up and trying to protect his neck from Jooheon’s retaliation.

Changkyun nodded once and then sat there, watching the two rappers as they focused their attention back to the song they had been working on. He couldn’t really contribute to the song even if he wanted to, feeling inexperienced when compared to the other two.

He focused on his notebook and wracked his brain for inspiration, able to come up with a few more bars and a couple of paragraphs of words crossed out for his troubles. He hardly noticed when Gunhee left, absorbed as he was in thinking. Only the tap on his shoulder brought him back to the present and he looked up and noticed that Jooheon was trying to get his attention. 

“Did you need to use the computer?” 

“No, I just came in here so I could write some lyrics,” he revealed. He put down his notebook and pen, watching as Jooheon nodded in acceptance and then pointedly glanced at the chair next to him.

“Come on, help me with this song. Gunhee and I can’t figure out what’s missing from it.”

Feeling nervous but elated the opportunity, Changkyun did as the other ordered and sat down next to him. “I don’t really know a lot about producing songs though, hyung. I probably won’t be able to help you much,” he warned as got comfortable in the office chair. 

Jooheon laughed and reached over to ruffle his hair. “It’s about time somebody taught you then. Let’s start with some basics.”

Over the next hour, Jooheon showed him the basics of the music program he was working in and promised to teach him more the next time that they had some free time. He listened to the song that was giving Jooheon trouble and they discussed it for a while but couldn’t come up with a solution.

Changkyun wondered why Jooheon was in such a good mood, but suspected it had something to do with Gunhee’s visit. He didn’t have the guts to ask. It was nice though, being included and Changkyun basked in the moment. 

As they left the room, he followed Jooheon as he headed for the practice room. Everyone was probably still in individual vocal practice with a coach or waiting their turn; Jooheon and Changkyun had already gone through it this morning.

They waited in the room, leaning against the wall. After a while of watching funny videos on the web, Jooheon put down his phone.

“Gunhee came over today to share some good news,” he confided with a small smile. “He’s going to stay with the company. He says that he talked to the president and they’re playing to debut him as a solo rapper later on. It might take another year or two anyway, but he’s happy..” 

Changkyun smiled and looked down for a second, feeling extremely relieved to hear the news. He felt like a little bit of the weight lifted off his shoulders and he felt grateful that Gunhee’s career hadn’t ended. Suddenly remembering the final elimination, emotion choked him up as he remembered Gunhee’s reaction. 

“I’m really glad, hyung. He deserves it,” Changkyun murmured, eyes slightly wet. He looked away from Jooheon and turned to face the door as if he was waiting for the rest of the team. He couldn’t fool the other though, who wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pulled him in for a hug. 

“You know, Gunhee was on my case today, he kept asking me about how you were fitting in. And I couldn’t even answer him because I know I’ve been an ass and ignoring you.”

Disbelieving, Changkyun turned back to look at Jooheon and frowned. “But I understand why though; I mean, I stole Gunhee’s place.. Even if I don’t like it, I understand why you are mad. I don’t blame you, hyung,” he stuttered out.

“But you didn’t steal Gunhee’s place. You know that, right, Changkyun? It was a competition and you won fair and square. I know that, even Gunhee knows that, even though I couldn’t quite make myself understand it right away. I’m not mad at you, Changkyun.”

Biting his lip hard, Changkyun couldn’t help the tears from escaping and wiped them away furiously, bending down to hide from the embarrassment. He raised his knees and hid his face in his arms, meanwhile Jooheon laughed at him and pulled him in closer. 

“Aish, how did I never notice that you’re a cry baby?” His only response was a loud sob and Jooheon laughed even harder, completely endeared by the maknae. 

Lifting Changkyun’s face, he tried to wipe away the tears with the sleeve of his long-sleeved shirt but Changkyun protested loudly and hid his face again, crying harder. Instead of forcing it, Jooheon rubbed his back in comforting circles.

“I’m sorry, Changkyun,” he murmured regretfully. “I know you’ve been suffering by yourself. I promise you that I’ll stop ignoring you.” 

With a heavy heart while he comforted the younger, he thought about his bad attitude up till now and was thankful for Gunhee setting him straight. Being punched would have an impact on anyone though, and Jooheon remembered his best friend’s words from the morning and resolved to make it up to the maknae.

He winced as Changkyun inadvertently disturbed the bruise on his ribs from said punch but he kept quiet and waited until the other boy composed himself. 

When the others entered the practice room later, it was to the sight of Jooheon and Changkyun laughing loudly as Jooheon finished retelling a story from his childhood.

Hyunwoo watched them with an almost relieved smile. Before anybody could interrupt the moment, he spoke up and suggested running through the choreo for all of their songs today, leaving everyone to complain at him half-heartedly.

Either way, pretty soon they were all sweating away as they ran through all the songs of their first mini album, leaving everybody too tired to gripe at each other like usual.

\+ 

When practice ended, late as usual, Kihyun passed around water bottles and then flopped down on the floor, groaning loudly. 

“Hyung, carry me,” Hyungwon pestered Hyunwoo as he passed, reaching out to clutch at his pant leg.

Hyunwoo laughed at the request and walked away to grab a towel. He tossed one to Hyungwon and one to Minhyuk, who was now mimicking Kihyun’s position except face down. 

“I’m hungry, I kind of want a burger,” Jooheon mumbled from the other side of the room.

Changkyun having returned from the bathroom with his face freshly washed, sat next to him and actually groaned in complaint for once. “Debut is only two weeks away though, I think Manager-hyung would have a problem with us eating fast-food.” 

“That’s why we don’t tell him,” Jooheon teased back, laughing.

“We really could,” Kihyun replied while he hummed in thought, actually contemplating the idea. Hyunwoo sat down on the floor and relaxed, listening to the others discuss the idea.

Wonho and Hyungwon were on the fence. Being so close to debut time, they were already stressing enough about their appearance. Minhyuk was worried as well, but the thought of greasy food had already won him over and he was now trying to convince Wonho.

“Come on, you can work out tomorrow if you want, come on, please hyung? You’re already handsome enough, one burger isn’t going to change that,” Minhyuk pleaded with the other. 

Hyungwon scowled at him though, reaching out to kick Minhyuk in the thigh. "Why aren’t you trying to convince me?”

Minhyuk scoffed and waved him away, “You’re a stick, it doesn’t matter if you eat a burger, you won’t gain any weight. Besides, I know you’re gonna give in, but Wonho hyung is harder to convince.” He was now clutching at Wonho’s arm trying to convince him, batting his eyelashes at him and making kissy faces. 

Hyungwon scowled at him and then a second later, clung to Wonho’s other arm, practically hanging off of it. “Come on hyung, he’s totally right. You can work out tomorrow if you want, I’ll work out with you if you want. Please?” 

“Ok, but only if you both stop making those faces. My god, I think I’m gonna have nightmares tonight,” Wonho teased. Minhyuk walked away happily, spinning in circles and screaming out nonsense words in joy. Hyungwon punched Wonho in the arm and walked away but he was still smiling.

While everybody packed up their stuff and got ready to go, Hyunwoo watched as Minhyuk clutched at his leg and rubbed it slowly, probably trying to ease a muscle cramp. Without a word, he went over to him and leaned down, waiting for the inevitable to happen. Minhyuk jumped on his back happily and tightened his arms around his neck. Hyunwoo carried him all the way to the van and when they got there, he slowly let down the blonde boy. 

They all got into the car and Hyunwoo took the driver’s seat. Kihyun took the passenger seat and because everybody was in a good mood, Hyunwoo indulged them by putting on their mini album on the radio. Although they had heard it hundreds of times by now, hearing it now made all of them get excited about their upcoming debut.

They sang through every song and even every rap part, though most of them fumbled through those parts because of the speed of the raps. At one point, Jooheon copied Changkyun’s rap with his high-pitched aegyo voice and Changkyun couldn’t stop laughing, clutching at his stomach from the force of his laughter.

Kihyun smiled and watched through the mirror as Wonho and Minhyuk tried to stop themselves from looking backwards in surprise. It was rare to hear the youngest laugh and he was really letting go today. 

In no time, they arrived at the burger place that they had chosen and they all climbed out of the car, sheepishly realizing that they were all sweaty from practice. 

“I hope nobody recognizes us,” Hyungwon despaired, pulling at his plain t-shirt that was soaked around the collar. Minhyuk pulled at his arm until he followed the rest into the restaurant. 

Luckily for them, it was late and only one other person was eating at the establishment. They all gathered around the menu and quickly ordered their meals and then sat down to wait. They had to put two tables together to be able to sit together, but the workers didn’t seem to mind, immersed as they were in their own bantering and chatter. 

Once they had their food in front of them, the only sounds was of them eating their food quickly, ravenous as they were. Minhyuk kept making happy sounds of contentment from next to Hyungwon which they ignored instead focusing on their meals.

“Why are you taking a picture of your burger?” Jooheon asked Changkyun. “McDonald’s isn’t exactly instagram material,” he chortled. Although he had said it quietly, they all heard him and turned to look as the end of the table where the two were seated next to each other. 

The youngest looked up with a guilty expression and put away his phone quickly. He laughed sheepishly and scratched at the back of his head. “I was sending the picture to my younger brother,” he revealed. “I just wanted to piss him off.”

Jooheon laughed and Hyunwoo, Kihyun and Hyungwon couldn’t help but smile and chortle as well, although they stopped looking at Changkyun who was turning red from the attention. 

“I can’t believe our music video is going to release in a week,” Wonho murmured after a while, sipping on his drink.

“I can’t believe they made me wear that stupid hat with the black and white tassels… braids.. Whatever the hell they were,” Jooheon complained with a brief grimace. 

Everybody laughed at that, remembering the mv shooting and Jooheon’s horrified gaze when he saw the hat that he was supposed to wear. 

“You know, our fan cafe already released the fan chant for trespass. Do you guys want to see it?” Minhyuk piped up, excited. The others agree and so Minhyuk stole Hyungwon’s phone, which had a bigger screen, to look up the fan cafe on the browser.

Of course the first thing that popped up was an image search of Hyungwon’s name which they all laughed at while he tried to smack them all so they’d stop. 

“What?” Hyungwon complained loudly and embarrassed, cheeks tinged red. “I just wanted to make sure that there wasn’t any ugly pictures of me on the web. I don’t think I could stand it if there was,” he confessed. 

“I think you already messed that up for yourself,” Wonho said while he smiled, chewing on the end of his straw. “You already showed our fans your special dance.”

Scowling, Hyungwon reached for Wonho’s fries and stole some. “You make it sound bad when you call it special! It’s called my praying mantis dance!” 

“Same thing,” Wonho teased loudly and Hyungwon threw some fries at him, prompting Wonho to start laughing loudly and obnoxiously.

Kihyun and Minhyuk joined in and started to tease the other boy and then made a point to try to catch the fries that were being thrown at them in their mouths. Only Kihyun succeeded. He looked way too proud of himself as he chewed on the salty fries. Feeling mischievous, he started to throw fries at Jooheon and Changkyun. 

“Calm down guys,” Hyunwoo murmured while he watched the employees throwing them dirty looks. “I don’t want to get thrown out of here for making a mess.” 

“I’ll get some more napkins,” Changkyun spoke up from the end, trying to futilely wipe away the smears of salt from his cheek. 

Kihyun laughed and waved him down. “I’ll get them, you finish eating.” While Kihyun got up and walked to the front of the store to grab more napkins from the dispensary up front, Changkyun did as he was told and continued to eat. 

“Aha! Found it,” Minhyuk spoke up and put the phone on the center of the table, where everybody leaned in and crowded around it. “Let’s sing it together!”

They all agreed and started a rousing rendition of trespass, complete with stomping on the ground and Jooheon beat-boxing while the rest chanted together. Minhyuk started screaming like a girl when it came time to say their names and the others joined him.

Inevitably, they were kicked out. The way back to their dorm was just as loud and obnoxious as they continued their antics.

In the backseat, Changkyun mostly smiled and watched. Beside him, Jooheon smirked. “Worth it,” he claimed while he ate fries from where they were stashed in his hoodie.


	2. Blue Moon

Changkyun was expecting the nerves. Today would be their first performance on a music show after their music video released and he was still feeling somewhat incredulous over that achievement. 

Sitting down backstage while they waited for the recording to start, he watched as Minhyuk paced and Kihyun practiced his vocals. 

Changkyun was seated to the side, having already finished with hair and makeup. He focused on his breathing and tried to empty his mind of any negative thoughts. Any thoughts, really. If he practiced his rap one more time, he felt like he would end up going crazy.

In a way, No.Mercy had served as a test of his character when under the duress of having to perform in front of a huge crowd. He remembered the feeling of both extreme nervousness mixed with a rush of adrenaline that pumped through his whole body when they had performed on stage with a large crowd. The feeling of being sick to his stomach while performing hadn’t gone away yet; the feeling being new enough that he didn’t think he would ever get used to it. 

Next to him, Hyungwon was watching their music video again, reading the comments left on the video and smirking whenever he read one about himself. It kind of helped to lessen his nerves and it was somewhat amusing to watch.

“You’re practically preening, you peacock,” Kihyun interrupted midway through a song. Hyungwon ignored him and kept scrolling down the comments as if he hadn’t heard anything. Minhyuk stopped pacing and flung himself next to Hyungwon, leaning over to read the comments as well. 

Really, there was nothing to do except sit and wait. When they finally got the signal to head to the stage for the recording, Changkyun followed his group. Hyunwoo gave them an encouraging speech, though it was short because he seemed to be nervous as well even though he seemed to handle it a lot better than they did.

“You’ll do fine,” Jooheon whispered next to him, patting his arm. And then they were walking on the stage, cheering fans loudly calling out at the sight of them. With a deep breath, Changkyun got into position and raised his head. The recording started.

+

Afterwards, Changkyun was sitting down and resting. The only thing they had left to record was the end of the show. His nervous excitement had simmered down and the adrenaline through his veins had faded to the point that he could breathe normally. He was relieved that the performance was over and happy that he hadn’t messed up. It was all he could ask for, really. 

Kihyun sat down next to him and leaned over to rest on his shoulder, groaning.

“Are you ok, hyung?” Changkyun asked mildly. Kihyun hummed in agreement but didn’t say anything else. 

“He just needs to unwind a little more, he’s always like this after performing,” Hyunwoo spoke up. 

Changkyun nodded in understanding and tried to stay still so that Kihyun wouldn’t slide off his shoulder. It didn’t last too long though. 

“How cute,” Jooheon teased them and took a quick photo before they could stop him. Kihyun scowled and got up to kick him, laughing when Jooheon fell over on his ass while trying to avoid him. Afterwards, Kihyun laid down on Jooheon and pretended to sleep while Jooheon whined. 

“It’s your fault for taking a photo of me without my permission,” Kihyun responded with his eyes closed. “I still look sweaty and gross, don’t upload the picture.”

Later, Jooheon did it anyway and Changkyun laughed as he watched Kihyun pulling on Jooheon’s ear until he was crying out for help in between the loud whelps of pain. He was looking at Changkyun specifically, but Changkyun wasn’t stupid enough to get in between Kihyun and his methods of revenge; Kihyun was ruthless. 

And later on, when Kihyun looked at the picture on twitter, he didn’t have the heart to erase it as he noticed Changkyun’s surprised face as he watched Kihyun from the corner of his eye as if he couldn’t believe that he was leaning against him for comfort. In the end, he hounded Jooheon in secret until the other boy finally sent him the picture so that he could save it in his own phone.

+

Eyes half-closed from sleep, Changkyun wandered into the kitchen in the middle of the night and grabbed a glass of water. He swallowed down one, two mouthfuls before the sound of loud crunching startled him to the point of choking on the water. He coughed out loudly and smacked his chest trying to find relief while he looked around at the dark kitchen. 

Sitting down on a stool, Wonho was watching him while eating cereal. 

“Sorry hyung, I didn’t know anybody was in here,” Changkyun breathed out, voice raspy. “You startled me.”

“Obviously,” Wonho replied without bite. He sighed and looked down, grabbing another spoonful of cereal and eating it, making more crunching sounds in the silence. Changkyun watched him and tried not to be weirded out by the fact that there was no milk in the bowl. Or the fact that he was eating in the dark. In just his underwear. Needless to say, it was hard to accomplish that task.

Nervously, Changkyun scratched at the back of his head. “I think there’s some milk in the refrigerator,” he cautiously said, pointing at the large appliance as if to make a point. 

“I know,” Wonho answered back, nonplussed. Changkyun nodded quickly and raised the glass of water to his lips, drinking the water for a lack of idea in what to say in this situation. After finishing the rest of the glass, he put it in the sink and nodded at Wonho as he passed by him before he got the hell out of dodge. 

+

It was awkward to have a camera thrust at his face constantly while they recorded short videos to upload online. Changkyun felt the urge to do something funny or say something entertaining but in the end, settled back while everyone else spoke up and made jokes. He laughed along and when Jooheon or Kihyun would drag him into the frame, he would endure it and try not to seem awkward. 

He noticed that Hyunwoo was the same way and was camera-shy, relying on Minhyuk mostly to redirect the camera whenever it tried to focus on him. It was okay in the end, and Changkyun slowly became used to it to the point where he could joke around as well and make cheesy jokes that would get a laugh out of his team members. It always made him proud to see even Wonho or Minhyuk laugh, and he tried to soak in the laughter and remember it later when the camera was off and they returned to ignoring him. But it was okay, really.

The only problem was when they were recording for a show or when they were doing an interview, whether for a TV or radio show or for an article online, he was inevitably asked to do things that the maknae was supposed to do. But acting cute wasn’t his strong point and most of the time, he came off as weird instead. 

“I’m sorry,” he apologized to his members in the dressing room afterwards, ashamed of his performance for the show. The hosts had laughed at his attempts at being cute and Jooheon had stepped in to show off his own style of aegyo that had impressed the hosts and some of the camera people, even.

“What for?” Kihyun asked with faked cluelessness. He did a good job of it, actually. He was probably practicing his acting in secret. 

Wonho snorted beside him and then smirked.“His aegyo, probably.”

“Or maybe it was his english,” Minhyuk mused out loud, stroking his chin as if thinking about it deeply. They both giggled like school girls and then quickly tried to shut up once Hyunwoo turned to face them sternly.

“Behave. Do we need to have another discussion, just the three of us?” He threatened, mouth set in a straight line. 

Changkyun wondered what he was talking about at first and then belatedly realized what it meant. If their leader had needed to talk to Wonho and Minhyuk one on one, it was undoubtedly about their behavior towards him.

He felt irrationally embarrassed at being the subject of a ‘Don’t Bully Changkyun’ discussion. He felt his cheeks turning red at the leader’s admission and he quickly walked out of the room with a hurried excuse, shamefaced for causing so much trouble to the group. 

Walking towards a secluded corner of the building, he sat down and looked down, weary of the situation.

At the footsteps following behind him, he turned to find Hyungwon walking towards him casually, hands in his pockets while he looked around disinterestedly. Eventually, his gaze settled on Changkyun. He didn’t call him out on the fact that he supposedly stepped out for a phone call. 

“It sucks that you’re the maknae,” Hyungwon admitted instead. 

Changkyun tried not to frown at the admission, trying not to react at the supposed insult. 

Hyungwon laughed, amused at his reaction. Sitting down across from him, he fixed his hair compulsively and sighed. “I’m not judging you Changkyun, I’m just offering the platitude because it’s true. I can tell that you’re uncomfortable whenever you have to act cute. I don’t blame you there. I just think it would have been better if Jooheon was the maknae; he really doesn’t seem to mind putting himself in the spotlight and fulfilling any request.”

Changkyun nodded in agreement, but feeling helpless because that wasn’t the case.

“I’m sorry,” he offered once again with honesty. “I can try to do better but I’m just not very good at this.” 

Hyungwon shrugged. “To be honest, I don’t really care that you’re not that good at doing aegyo. The only thing I care about is that you’re a capable member of the group and an adequate rapper. That’s the only thing that should matter.” 

Changkyun looked up at Hyungwon while dread settled into his gut. “Am I only an... adequate rapper?”

Hyungwon gaped at him in disbelief and then burst out laughing. He had to catch his breath first before he was able to speak. “I chose my words incorrectly, Changkyun, of course you’re a good rapper. Great, even. I just.. I let my own feelings towards you get in the way of being honest sometimes.” 

Feeling immense relief at Hyungwon’s words, Changkyun smiled at him gratefully. “Thank you.”

Hyungwon shrugged once again, looking uncomfortable and sighed, looking down the hallway. He got up reluctantly and then dusted himself out of habit even though his outfit was clean.

“I think Jooheon and Kihyun must be finished ganging up on the other two for being assholes. You coming?”

Changkyun scrambled up to his feet and followed the taller boy, absentmindedly watching the pattern of his shirt from the back.

Hyungwon looked over his shoulder and looked at him from the corner of his eye briefly before continuing on. “I know I’m not much better than them. But I’m trying, Changkyun. Just give me time.” 

+

Changkyun started to feel more comfortable on stage and in their later performances, was not afraid to look around the crowd to look at their cheering fans. 

On one such occasion, he noticed them. Two girls stood towards the very corner of the stage loudly cheering with the rest of their fans, but as soon as he looked their way, they held up signs. 

**Replace I.M** , the sign said. Another sign loudly displayed **Gunhee should have won!**

They signs were rather tame and not nearly as insulting as some of the comments he had read online. Still, it gutted him. He stumbled on stage and nearly fell out of position, but he quickly looked back towards the center and focused. His stomach felt like lead but his limbs supported him, used to the movements of their dance to the point that he was able to disconnect from his mind and just perform without having to think about it.

After the performance, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about it again and again. He wondered if the others saw the signs, but didn’t have the courage to asks in case they hadn’t - he didn’t want to bring attention to the matter. 

It niggled at him constantly though, the fact that their fans would go on the fan cafe or would comment on their videos and bash him and his skills. He worried that the company would kick him out of the group and that coupled with the fan’s harsh criticisms of anything relating to him were a constant presence in the back of his mind. 

+

Changkyun almost blamed himself for the situation he was in. 

Alone at night after dance practice, he had stayed behind to write lyrics. 

Unexpectedly cornered by the trainees when he had tried to leave the building, he had been forcibly dragged to a cold storage room. To be honest, he didn’t think the trainees at the company would sink this low; never imagined that they could be so petty and cruel. 

He stared down at feet dazedly before he looked back up at the three boys surrounding him, four if you counted the watch out. Mouth bleeding sluggishly, he wiped away the bloody saliva with his fist and tried to break out from their hold once more before he was pushed back just as hard as the first time, falling to the ground once again. 

They jumped on top of him and he tried to wriggle out of their hold but they stood on his arms and legs until he was pinned like a starfish out of water, gasping in pain as his limbs were pressed hard to the concrete floor. He cursed loudly and wailed before they covered his mouth and shushed him angrily. He didn’t dare bite them in fear of the retaliation.

“Oh Changkyunnie, we just find out that Starship’s getting rid of some of the trainees. And apparently, guess who’s up first?” 

Changkyun looked up at them, confused by what they were saying. 

“Me,” the tallest boy ground out before he punched him in the gut. 

Changkyun gagged from the force and writhed on the ground from the pain. Grunting in pain, he looked up at his tormentors and glared at them as hard as he could, wishing they would burn in hell. 

“You should’ve kept your mouth shut, Changkyun. One of the other boys told us that the cuts are happening because somebody blabbed about the trainees hazing you. It was all a joke, Changkyun! Couldn’t you just take a fucking joke, you bastard?”

“I didn’t say shit! Let me go,” Changkyun yelled out angrily. 

A kick to the side made him yell louder and he cursed at them. They didn’t laugh, they didn’t joke around like a schoolyard bully would, they just pushed into his limbs until he couldn’t move and beat the shit out of him, punching and kicking at him with their fists and legs, angry and spitting out curses as they did so. 

One of them was even crying as he did it, presumably upset at being kicked out of the company but Changkyun couldn’t find it in himself to feel sorry for the kid. 

Fuck him and the other stupid trainees, Changkyun didn’t give a shit.

Realizing that yelling wasn’t really doing him any favors, he shut his mouth and tried to stop himself from biting his own tongue and turned his face to the side to try to protect his face. 

Eventually they stopped, Changkyun blanking on the details until he realized that he was breathing rapidly into the still air of the cold room and all by himself. 

Raising himself up, he clutched at his stomach and grimaced at the deep aches that set off all over his body. He composed himself the best he could, fixing his ragged clothes and trying to fix his askew hair. 

Dragging himself to the door, it was only when he tried to open it and noticed that it was locked from the outside that he started to panic. He shook the door knob back and forth and then tried pushing it when he got tired of that. 

It was all in vain, he was locked in and when he checked it, his phone was out of charge and wouldn’t turn on.

“Fuck,” he cursed loudly. 

+

With a performance in the morning followed by a fan meeting, Changkyun really needed to get out of the room before the night was over. 

In the end, desperation won out and despite his reservations about destroying company property, he kicked and pushed at the door for hours until it finally gave way, the hinges cracking under the pressure and allowing him to exit the room, although tired, sleepless and feeling like a car had rolled over him. 

After stumbling out of the room looking like hell, he found his way to the bathroom and fixed himself up as best as he could, washing his face and hair and looking at the mirror. Honestly, he looked fine. His lip was cracked and sore but it didn’t look out of place. His clothes hid any potential bruises and the only thing off was that he looked like a zombie out of a movie, face pale and wan from lack of sleep. 

Satisfied because it sure as hell wasn’t about to get any better, he walked out of the bathroom and headed to a practice room, quickly checking on a laptop for directions to the fan meeting and then dashing out of the building like a bat out of hell once he realized that he had an hour to get there and get ready before performing.

Taking a bus and walking the rest of the distance, Changkyun was tired beyond belief when he finally made it to the venue. 

He didn’t even need to search for his group, there was a manager standing by the back door and looking around back and forth as if searching for someone while speaking to somebody on the phone. Even though his hoodie was covering his face, the manager recognized him at once and hurried out to meet him. 

Changkyun was ready to apologize and bowed shortly before the manager grabbed him by the shoulders and directed him to the entrance.

“No time, no time! We have fifteen minutes, you need to do your makeup!” he chastised nervously hurrying up through the corridor. 

Entering the room where the members were waiting, he had no time to say anything before he was sat down on a chair and the makeup artist descended upon him like hawk. 

He couldn’t speak while his makeup was being done so he could only meet the angry gazes of his group members one by one through the mirror. Jooheon wasn’t even looking at him, he was sitting next to Wonho and seemed to be struggling with holding him down, clinging to his arm and keeping him seated. 

“We appreciate your presence, Changkyun. We hate to be an inconvenience, but we’re so fucking glad that you were able to make it,” Wonho bit out sarcastically.

“Stop,” Hyunwoo ordered him icily. Wonho closed his mouth and teeth grinding together, looked mutinously at the wall. Hyunwoo then directed his stony gaze towards Changkyun. “I don’t want to hear any excuses right now, Changkyun, but we will be talking about it later.” 

Changkyun meekly nodded in response and quickly mumbled sorry at everyone although they ignored it. 

“You should have gotten some sleep last night, even with makeup I can’t cover up your under eye circles..” the makeup artist tutted at him while she quickly did the bare necessities of his makeup and then his hair was being pulled at, sprayed and styled. 

Changkyun didn’t complain and waited until it was done to quickly grab his clothes and head towards the bathroom to change.

“Where are you going?” Minhyuk questioned before he could leave, probably suspicious of him. 

“I need to go to the bathroom so I’ll just change there anyway,” Changkyun responded and then quickly bowed out of the room to head there. Really though, he didn’t want to change in front of his members because of his torso feeling bruised to hell but he wasn’t about to tell them that. 

Once he left, Kihyun got up from his seat next to Wonho’s other side and paced around the room, grabbing a snack from the table to eat. 

“He looks odd. I don’t think he slept last night,” Kihyun murmured once he settled next to Hyunwoo. Hyunwoo himself was drinking water after swallowing pain tablets, tired from a headache. 

“Neither did we,” Hyunwoo laughed humorlessly. 

It was true, they had woken up in the middle of the night when Hyunwoo couldn’t contact Changkyun. He had been waiting for the youngest to get home but he never made it in by the time he was supposed to. He had awoken everyone and asked if they knew where he was or when he would be back. Nobody had heard anything from him and when they tried calling him, he never answered. 

The rest of the night was spent sending him texts and calling him until the very morning when they finally had to stop to get ready and head out to the venue for the fanmeeting. One of the managers had even left for the entertainment company and had looked for Changkyun there but was unable to find him. They were glad he was ok, there was no doubt about that, but they were still pissed off at him. 

“He might have a good reason for disappearing last night. You can’t punish him without finding out the reason first,” Kihyun insisted, feeling bad for ignoring Changkyun earlier. 

“I’m not going to do that, Ki. I’ll hear him out first. You’re going to be there too, I don’t think it’s a good idea to talk to him by myself. He seems to trust you now.”

Kihyun agreed with certain relief, glad that Wonho wouldn’t be joining in. Usually when Hyunwoo needed backup, Wonho would provide it but this time around, his attitude towards Changkyun would only interfere. 

“He has to apologize to the managers, that I’m not willing to concede,” Wonho spoke up. He had heard their whole exchange but only now did he make it clear that he had heard everything from across the room. 

“Like he wouldn’t do it by himself without anyone prompting him,” Jooheon spoke up in defense of the youngest. Nobody argued against him. When Changkyun returned to the room, they were all standing up and waiting for him. He followed them as they made their way to where the stage was set up. 

+

“Make sure he eats something before the fanmeet,” Wonho instructed, glancing at Changkyun’s direction while he spoke. 

Kihyun blinked in surprise and looked at the youngest as well, noticing how lethargic he seemed to be moving, kind of dragging his feet. He was walking ahead of them on the way back to the dressing room, Jooheon’s arm across his shoulder while they spoke quietly amongst themselves. Right away you could tell that he was tired, but after the performance, his complexion had turned even more wan.

“He looks sick,” Kihyun commented with rising concern.

“He might be getting sick,” Wonho confirmed. “Or he didn’t eat last night or something. It might be better if he had lunch early.” 

“You’re being helpful,” Hyungwon murmured from behind. Wonho purposefully ignored him, unwilling to answer the question.

“I think you’re right though, he should probably go ahead and eat lunch,” Hyungwon continued on. 

Back in the waiting room while everyone got their make up refreshed and had a small break, Kihyun raided their supplies until he found where they were holding their lunches and took one. 

Changkyun and Jooheon sat down on the couch but when they all seemed to be gathered loosely in a circle, Changkyun got up and bowed, apologizing formally.

“I’m sorry for arriving late and causing you any trouble. I promise that I won’t do it again,” Changkyun regretfully told them. I mean, it probably won’t happen again, he thought internally.

“Don’t worry about it now, shut up and eat,” Kihyun scolded lightly, pushing him down until he was sitting again. Changkyun blinked in surprise and then held on to the lunchbox that was pushed into his hands. 

“But it’s not lunchtime?” he questioned with a confusion.

“You look like shit,” Hyungwon spoke up before he sat down next to him. “I think he just wants to make sure you’re not going to keel over.” 

“Thanks, I think,” Changkyun responded with a slight frown. 

Laughing, Hyungwon reached over and opened up the lunchbox for him, curious as to what they would be having that day for lunch. Spotting the carrots on the side, he took one and started eating. When he caught Wonho and Kihyun’s combined narrow stare, he shrugged. 

“He doesn’t like uncooked carrots,” Hyungwon explained slowly, reaching for another one. He stopped and leaned back when it looked like Kihyun would reach over and personally strangle him. 

“Eat the carrots, Changkyun. They’re healthy for you,” Kihyun commanded. 

Changkyun nodded dutifully before eating his lunch, carrots and all, too tired and bruised to put up a fight. He was tired and sleepy, and Jooheon and Hyungwon were a warm presence on each side. He could only eat half of his lunch before he closed the lid and leaned over Jooheon, resting his head on his lap and hoping to catch a quick nap. Warm hands rubbed at his back and he closed his eyes and fell asleep.

“Something’s wrong with him, he would never eat the carrots if he was feeling alright,” Kihyun commented while he watched the maknae sleep. 

“Was that a test or something? If he eats them, he’s sick, if he doesn’t, he’s alright?” Hyungwon asked, weirded out.

“It wasn’t a test, he needs to grow damn it, he’s as short as me. He needs to eat all the vegetables he can.. Anyway, it was just an observation.”

“We don’t have much time left before the fanmeet starts, he’s going to be even more tired when he wakes up. Interrupted sleep sucks,” Hyunwoo murmured from beside Minhyuk. 

“He can borrow an energy drink,” Minhyuk spoke up, reaching into a bag and bringing out two cans. 

“You should really stop drinking so many, Min.” Hyunwoo answered seriously. Minhyuk flipped him off on instinct and then gasped and apologized quickly, clinging to Hyunwoo’s arm for forgiveness while the leader stoically ignored the attempts. The only thing that gave him away was the twitch at the corner of his lips. 

Snorting as he watched them, Wonho reached over and stole a drink while he could with Minhyuk being distracted. Jooheon pointedly glanced at the other one and Hyungwon was nice enough to reach for the other one, opening it up and handing it to the redhead since he couldn’t exactly move without shifting Changkyun out of place. 

“The fan meet is only a couple of hours long, it shouldn’t be too bad,” Jooheon hazarded in between sips of the drink.

+

Once the fanmeet was over, they were on their way back home in the van, all of them tired out from the activities and the lack of sleep. 

Changkyun drifted between being asleep and awake, listening to music to try to wake him up. He was expecting the discussion with Hyunwoo to be sooner rather than later and wanted to be alert and ready for it but it was hard to stay awake, especially since his body demanded a hot shower, a warm meal and a good night’s sleep. 

Once they arrived at the dorm, Changkyun followed Jooheon and settled down on the couch in the living room, leaning against the corner of the sofa. He had to wait to shower and he would rather wait in the living room than in the room where he might actually fall asleep. Huddling into his hoodie, he leaned his head back and waited. 

Apparently his body didn’t care where he rested because he was awoken later by Hyungwon, who was shaking him lightly and calling his name. Blinking, he looked around and noticed that the all of the food had been set up in the living room table as usual; it was the only table able to seat all of them around it.

“Food’s ready. Come eat,” Hyungwon pointed out and he gratefully got up while holding in a wince at his soreness. Stretching or anything close to that aggravated his stomach and whenever he got up or sat down, the pain flared. 

He sat down on the only empty spot in between Jooheon and Hyunwoo and mumbled a thank you for the food before he started eating right away. The tiredness started to fade away bit by bit until he actually started to pay attention to the conversation going on around him. He half-heartedly listened but was too busy eating to contribute anything.

“-going crazy over it. Did you see the picture on twitter yet, Wonho?”

“Which picture?”

“The one where you’re about to kiss m-”

“-said the photoshoot is later this week but I could swear it was wednesday. I d-”

“-almost have it down. Changkyun’s helping.”

Hearing his name, Changkyun listened to Jooheon next to him and deduced that they were talking about the songs that they were working on together. Tuning out once again, he finished his glass of water and reached for more from the pitcher in the center. 

“I don’t really want to do dishes, anybody want to trade?” Hyungwon offered up hopefully and was immediately laughed at by Kihyun. 

“As much as I hate doing laundry, I would rather do that than actually wash the dishes today. Sorry but I dirtied up a lot of dishes for this meal, I don’t think anybody’s going to take you up on that offer.”

“It can’t be that bad,” Hyungwon hazarded and then looked around the food spread out on the table and grimaced. 

Changkyun stopped eating and looked down at the bowl of warm chicken stew as well as the multitude of side dishes that they usually went without. Kihyun must have felt like cooking today, it was quite a spread. Still, the chore might serve to wake him up further or to delay the amount of time that the discussion with Hyunwoo would take..

“I can do dishes today if you’ll clean the bathroom this weekend,” he offered up, looking at Hyungwon.

The other practically had hearts in his eyes as he smiled back at him. “That would be grea-”

“You know what, I change my mind,” Kihyun interrupted. “I’ll help you do dishes today and we’ll get them done twice as quick! How does that sound, Hyungwon? We can spend some quality time together.”

Hyungwon frowned as Kihyun put his hand on his thigh underneath the table and subtly squeezed it in warning. “We spend time together every day, hyung.” At Kihyun’s suddenly maniacal smile and the tighter grip on his thigh, Hyungwon laughed nervously and swallowed. “But that’s not nearly enough, right? Of course you can help me out, how thoughtful of you.”

Trying not laugh at their weird interaction, Changkyun reluctantly got up. 

“I’m going to take a shower now,” he explained before he went to the room to gather his clothes.

After he left, Hyungwon scooted away from Kihyun while glaring at him.

“Quality time my ass,” Hyungwon grumbled loudly. 

The others laughed at his disgruntled expression and Kihyun’s uncaring shrug. “You should be honored that I offered.”

+

The first thing that Changkyun did was bow down once again and apologize to Hyunwoo and Kihyun, the only ones there to receive his apology in the living room. Kihyun waved it off and Hyunwoo was just looking at him pensively. 

Changkyun waited in silence while he sat down next to Kihyun, spine stiff and looking down at the floor, feeling sorry for causing trouble to his group once again. 

“Why didn’t you come back last night, Changkyun?” Hyunwoo spoke, eyes boring into his own. He wanted to look away but it was hard to. 

Changkyun couldn’t answer, already having decided that the matter wasn’t worth reporting. 

The trainees were leaving anyway, why cause further trouble? Such an idiotic matter might cause the company to reconsider his position and end up firing him anyway. If his group members couldn’t accept him and he was causing trouble with other trainees and members of the company, there was no point in keeping him. Changkyun was afraid of being forced to leave, dreaded the idea of failing once again. 

And anyway… Changkyun didn’t want to reveal how weak he was, unable to fight back against guys younger than him. It was embarrassing to reveal his inadequacies and if he could avoid it at all costs, he would. Just thinking of the sound thrashing he had received without having landed a single hit on the other trainees made him boil with anger and shame. 

But Hyunwoo kept looking more and more disappointed the longer he stayed silent, and that was driving Changkyun crazy with guilt. 

“I’m sorry hyung but I can’t really tell you that,” he finally hedged out slowly. 

“You can and you will, Changkyun. I need to know where you went and why you didn’t answer our phone calls.” Hyunwoo spoke out calmly but eyes stony at Changkyun’s refusal to cooperate.

“I can’t tell you why. And I didn't answer my phone because the charge died. I would have called otherwise, I promise,“ he breathed out wearily. 

“That’s not good enough. We’ll restrict your activities if we have to Changkyun; no phone, no internet, and no free time. Is that what you want?”

Changkyun gaped at them, looking back at Kihyun as if to confirm they were bluffing but Kihyun only looked back sternly at him. “That’s too much! You can’t.. You can’t do that hyung!” he gritted out through his teeth, forcibly restraining himself from cursing. 

“Then just tell us,” Kihyun pleaded wearily. “Did you do something bad? Did you go drinking or clubbing? We can handle that, any scandal blows over anyway, it’s not the end of the world.” 

Changkyun shook his head as if confused and frowned. “It’s nothing like that, why would you think that? And anyway, the punishment is a little harsh don’t you think? Nothing happened! I was almost late to the fan meet but I made it and I know I caused trouble but everything turned out alright…” 

“We were so damn worried about you!” Kihyun yelled out, standing up. He paced away and clenched his fists, back towards Changkyun and visibly shaking from frustration. He whirled around and then frowned at Changkyun, looking upset. “Do you understand? We didn’t sleep because we were waiting for you! We had no idea where you were or if you were alright and you weren’t answering your phone, you can’t even begin to imagine all the horrible scenarios that ran through my mind!” 

Breathing harshly and winded as if he had run a marathon, Kihyun bit at his lip and blinked rapidly, trying to compose himself. “Damnit Changkyun, just tell us.”

Surprised at Kihyun’s outburst and unable to stand the disappointed gaze, Changkyun looked down at his feet and felt even worse at the whole situation, just now realizing how his disappearance could be taken as and not expecting the amount of worry that he had caused. He opened his mouth to respond several times, but there was a lump in his throat and he found it hard to breathe as he inwardly stumbled on words and apologies that he couldn’t spill out as hard as he tried. 

Suddenly, Kihyun sat down next to him once again and pulled him into a tight hug. “Don’t cry, I didn’t mean to make you cry,” Kihyun whispered. 

Changkyun realized that his face was wet with tears and ashamed at his reaction, he buried his face in Kihyun’s neck, clinging to him as he tried to wipe away the tears. No matter how many times he wiped them away, they kept falling harder. He felt stupid and relieved at the same time, glad that Kihyun was holding him and grateful for the warmth of the other boy. 

Hyunwoo who was seated across from them and watching them suddenly got up and settled next to Changkyun’s other side, a silent presence as Kihyun comforted him.

It took a while before Changkyun was able to stop crying and he was grateful that nobody said anything or made fun of his reaction. Eventually sitting back while Kihyun rubbed at the nape of his neck in encouragement, he sank further into the sofa that seemed to swallow him up and looked at Hyunwoo briefly before he looked down at his pants.

“It’s really not that exciting hyung,” Changkyun slowly explained, hesitant. “I accidentally locked myself into a room. I was at the Starship building the whole night, I just couldn’t get out of the room. That’s .. That’s it.”

Changkyun looked at Hyunwoo hesitantly and noticed his puzzled frown. Next to him, Kihyun was gaping at him slightly. 

“You got locked into a room?” Kihyun asked incredulously, somewhat taken aback. Changkyun nodded. “How did you lock yourself in? I.. are you telling you us the truth?” 

“I’m not lying, I was locked in a room. And I know I was stupid hyung, I just.. I went to look for a mop because I spilled an energy drink on the floor and you know how drinks make the floor all sticky so I wanted to clean it properly.. But.. but when I went to put the mop back, the door closed behind me.. Because of the wind I think, I’m not sure how it happened.” 

Feeling terrible about the lies that were spilling out of his mouth, Changkyun couldn’t bear to look at Hyunwoo’s or Kihyun’s reactions, afraid that he would give himself away by looking guilty. 

“Why didn’t you call us?” Hyunwoo asked calmly.

“My phone was out of charge already; I don’t really carry a charger with me either so.. I’m sorry.”

There was silence for a few minutes, as if the other two were processing the events. 

“How did you get out of the room? Did someone let you out in the morning like the janitor or something?” Hyunwoo questioned, frowning slightly. 

“I managed to break myself out of the room, although I ruined the door.. I’ll pay for the damages, I promise,” he added in regretfully. 

“You’re not that strong,” Kihyun pointed out, looking confused. “Not that I’m making fun of you, it’s just the truth maknae.” Changkyun couldn’t help but to laugh, somewhat embarrassed by the accurate statement.

“I know hyung, that’s why it took me until morning to get out,” he explained with a sheepish expression on his face. With nothing further to say, and afraid to say anything else for fear of ruining the lie, Changkyun stayed silent and waited for them to speak.

“Why didn’t you want to tell us though? You didn’t do anything wrong and a broken door isn't the end of the world…” Kihyun mumbled next to him, rubbing at Changkyun’s hair and playing with the strands absentmindedly. 

“I just feel really stupid that I got myself into that situation,” Changkyun revealed, being inadvertently truthful. “I was just feeling ashamed of myself.”

Kihyun nodded in understanding and leaned over again, hugging him with a small smile. “There’s no need to be ashamed. You’re the maknae, you’re allowed to make mistakes. We don’t care what mess you get into, we’re here to support you.”

Grunting in agreement, Hyunwoo pulled at the strands of his hair slightly and then patted him on the shoulder. 

“Well, we’re not going to punish you because you got locked in a room,” Hyunwoo pointed out, still frowning as if he couldn’t believe the situation. “Make sure you carry a charger from now and try not to… lock yourself in again. Understood?”

Changkyun nodded gratefully. “Can I go to sleep now? I’m really tired,” he mumbled while he yawned, eyes tearing up at the strain. 

“Go ahead,” Kihyun approved and then they watched as the youngest ambled out of the room, half-asleep already and moving gingerly as if he didn’t want to trip. 

They waited for a while and sat there thinking, relaxing into the warmth of the sofa meanwhile their thoughts ran through the conversation. 

Hearing a slight shifting sound, Hyunwoo looked towards the kitchen doorway. He cleared his throat and suddenly called out. “You can come out now, Wonho.” 

Said person slowly walked out of the kitchen, holding a bowl of cereal in his hands and suddenly taking in a spoonful of the cereal, crunching.

“I didn’t even know you were there,” Kihyun laughed, staring at Wonho in amazement. “When did you sneak in?”

Wonho didn’t respond, just watched them while his mouth crunched on the cereal.

“He’s been waiting there ever since dinner ended,” Hyunwoo pointed out. “I guess he wanted to hear our conversation with Changkyun.”

“Oh, could it be that you were worried?” Kihyun teased the elder, staring as Wonho frowned at them rebelliously and took in another spoonful of the bland cereal. 

“No,” he mumbled. At their disbelieving looks, he snorted and looked sideways as if to avoid their gaze. “I was just hungry, I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”

“You just started eating, we would have heard your loud crunching otherwise,” Kihyun challenged with a smirk. 

“Whatever,” Wonho mumbled. He walked past them to head to their room, bowl clutched in his hands protectively. “He’s so stupid, he should’ve just said what happened from the beginning,” they heard him mumble to himself.

Kihyun and Hyunwoo looked at each other for a second before following behind Wonho to find their beds. It was barely ten in the evening, but they were tired. 

“We can deal with everything tomorrow,” Hyunwoo pointed out. “Goodnight, Ki.”

“Night.”

Once in his own room, the one he shared with Changkyun, Jooheon and Minhyuk, Kihyun quickly noticed that Jooheon was sleeping on the floor, or at least prepared to do so because he was still awake and scrolling through his phone. 

A quick glance at Jooheon’s bunk revealed Changkyun. He was already asleep judging by his deep and rhythmic breathing, although it looked like everyone else was awake as he they all looked through their phone through sleepy, half-closed eyes.

“Why?” Kihyun asked Jooheon simply, pointing at his bed and at Changkyun. Changkyun usually slept on the top bed of the shared bunk with Jooheon. 

“He was really tired and asked to switch for tonight. I think he’s really sore, he seems to be having trouble sitting down and standing up,” Jooheon whispered back. Kihyun nodded in understanding; having learned of Changkyun’s activities from last night and combined with his lack of sleep and having to perform, it didn’t surprise him at all. 

Kihyun didn't’ bother to ask why Jooheon didn’t just simply sleep in the top bunk - he didn’t like to do so, being afraid of falling in the middle of the night. Kihyun didn’t like the top bunk either so he didn’t offer to switch. 

“Want to sleep with me in my bunk?” he asked, settling into his bed and groaning as he stretched out. A minute later, Jooheon was getting under the covers with him and getting comfortable, or at least as comfortable as he could while squeezing into a bed meant for only one. 

“Did you guys hear anything earlier? With Changkyun?” Kihyun asked later on, eyes closed and feeling fuzzy with sleep. 

Jooheon nodded slowly and snuggled into his side. “We were listening against the door.” 

Kihyun snorted and gently bumped his head against Jooheon’s. 

“Don’t put your legs all over me or I’ll kick you out of the bed,” Kihyun mumbled sleepily. Jooheon grunted in agreement and soon, they both drifted off to sleep. 

+

In the morning, Kihyun and Jooheon woke up on the ground amidst a pile of blankets, snuggling into each other while Minhyuk snuggled into their feet and legs, happily snoring against Kihyun’s thigh. 

“I don’t even want to know how we ended up like this,” Jooheon groaned while Kihyun laughed at Minhyuk. 

“Let’s get up before somebody finds us and takes a picture,” Kihyun said, trying to slowly extract himself from Minhyuk’s death grip.

As if summoned like a demon, Hyungwon passed by the open door and leaned in, smirking.

“Too late, Monbebe’s really liked the picture,” he teased and then ran away screaming when Jooheon got up suddenly, chasing after him. Minhyuk, suddenly awake and quickly noticing the chase, got up and tripped over the covers then got up again and followed after them, not having a single clue what was going on but wanting to join anyway. 

“Wait for me,” he screamed happily. 

Kihyun laid back and sighed, looking sideways to find Changkyun blearily awake and looking back at him. 

“Idiots,” he surmised while Changkyun slowly smiled. 

+

After breakfast, they headed out to the Starship building where they had to practice for recording a dance rehearsal of Trespass followed by getting ready for a radio appearance later that night. While they settled into the practice room and stretched, Hyunwoo walked off to talk to their manager about the recording later. 

They followed Wonho’s warm-up exercises and played some music while they waited for Hyunwoo. 

While Wonho and Hyungwon danced to the beat of the music, making up moves and showing off to each other, Changkyun walked towards his bag and sneaked in a couple of painkillers, drinking water from his water bottle to wash them down. His muscles were protesting already and they hadn’t even started practicing. When changing into his workout clothes this morning, he had avoided touching any of his bruises and had been careful to take it relatively easy, hunching over to help his aching stomach. It would be hard to practice though, with his muscles tight, sore and aching whenever he stretched each muscle out. 

Taking the water bottle with him, he sat down next to Jooheon and watched over his shoulder as the redhead sent a message. Jooheon didn’t seem to mind and afterwards, opened up another app so they could watch funny videos. Once Kihyun got up and showed off his slow-motion robotic dance though, they all stopped to watch and laugh at his fierce concentration while he walked around the room robotically.

“Maybe we should just record you dancing and upload that instead,” Wonho chortled, trying to mimic him and failing spectacularly.

“Recording is cancelled,” Hyunwoo spoke up, walking through the door and closing it behind him. They all turned to look at him, surprised. 

“Why?” Minhyuk asked, confused. 

“I don’t know. The managers are in a meeting, one of the assistants told me that she heard that our whole schedule might be cancelled today, though she wasn’t sure why. We’re supposed to hang around the building though, that’s all I could find out.” 

“Our whole schedule.. Are we in trouble?” Minhyuk breathed out, eyes wide. 

“I don’t know, Min,” Hyunwoo answered. 

Wonho got up and paced at the news as the rest of them looked at each other, stunned.

Sitting in the middle between the members, Changkyun felt his stomach drop and a wave of nausea swept through him. This could only be bad news and it was probably something relating to him or the incident yesterday. Could they possibly be discussing my removal from the group? Why else would all the managers gather? They must be planning on choosing my replacement today... Changkyun hunched into himself and breathed slowly, trying to keep his stomach from rebelling. 

“Was it because of yesterday?” Hyungwon asked, pensively gazing at Changkyun with confusion mixed with pity. 

“That makes no sense,” Minhyuk mumbled while he bit his lip nervously. “It wasn’t that big of a deal, I mean the performance went fine…”

“What about… the broken door?” Jooheon questioned, as if realizing something. Nobody looked confused at Jooheon’s revelation. 

Changkyun looked around him and realized that everyone had overheard the conversation yesterday. Instead of feeling angry, he felt relieved that he wouldn’t have to explain to the rest of the team members the reason why he might be kicked out of the group.

Hyunwoo stared at the mirror and thought, while Wonho continued to pace around the room with nervous energy. 

Whirling around, Wonho huffed and scowled. “If it’s cause of that stupid door, tell ‘em we’ll buy them a fancy fucking french door if they want. Why the fuck does it matter?” he ranted bitterly, scenarios running through his mind. “It’s not Changkyun’s fault anyway, it’s theirs, who the hell puts a lock in a cleaning closet? There’s no point! Who’s going to want to steal a broom, Harry Potter?… Fuck!”

There was a moment of stunned silence while they all stared at Wonho. Abruptly, Changkyun started laughing hard, clutching at his stomach as he shook with laughter. He couldn’t stop if he tried, half-hysterical because of the situation and because of Wonho’s unintentionally funny outburst. 

Wonho watched as his group members laughed, frowning slightly as he watched Minhyuk start to hiccup from the laughter, giggling and hiccuping in random intervals against Kihyun’s shoulder. 

“..Harry P-potter,” Hyungwon repeated with a hoarse voice, dying of laughter across from him while Jooheon rolled across the floor, roaring in laughter. 

Changkyun started laughing harder at the sight of Jooheon, tears of mirth rolling down his cheeks as he wiped them away. 

“I was being serious, you assholes,” Wonho mumbled and that set off another wave of laughter, which he couldn’t help but join in, sitting down across from them and smiling ruefully as he watched their reactions. 

+

It didn’t take too long before the all sobered up and the seriousness returned to their faces.

In lieu of no recording and no possible schedule, they had nothing to do but either speculate about the issue or practice their dance. They opted to practice since they were already dressed and ready for it anyway, and Changkyun was grateful for the respite from thinking even though his body protested. 

They were all hungry by lunch time and they stopped for the meal, all of them heading down to the cafeteria and getting their own food before they settle down at a corner table to eat. There wasn’t that many people in the cafeteria itself, mostly a few assistants and a couple of trainees that watched them curiously. 

Changkyun sat down between Kihyun and Hyungwon, trying to calm his nerves at the sight of the trainees although once he looked closely at them from underneath his bangs, he realized that he had only seen them from afar before and that they usually left him alone. He relaxed at the knowledge and focused on his food.

The members ate slowly, savoring the fact that they weren’t eating lunch in a rush between schedules and the fact that they could relax for a while. 

Kihyun kept feeding him bits of his lunch, and although full, Changkyun kept accepting every bit. Kihyun had a habit of mothering another person if they were sick or needed comfort, and although he had always been mostly courteous to Changkyun since No.Mercy, in the last few weeks he had turned from being curt to him to being almost overbearing. Changkyun actually enjoyed the mothering, seeing it as proof that Kihyun had finally accepted him into the group. 

Not that it matters at this point, Changkyun thought bitterly while he opened his mouth obediently and accepted another meat wrap. 

Wonho kept staring at them from across the table and Changkyun could tell that he was jealous of Kihyun’s affection, as he kept opening his mouth every once in awhile and pointing at it but Kihyun mostly ignored him, though leering whenever he saw him. 

Eventually, Hyungwon got tired of the sight and reached over the table to forcefully stuff a wrap into Wonho’s open mouth as the other choked in surprise.

“I see you guys are still disgusting as ever,” Gunhee interrupted them with a crooked grin. Changkyun smiled at the sight of Gunhee’s teasing expression and they quickly made room for him in the table, sliding over and rearranging plates until Gunhee could sit with them even though he protested that he didn’t want to bother them. 

“I can’t stay for long,” he warned, although he quickly shut up as they offered him food. Once he seemed to be somewhat full, he sighed and reached over to ruffle Jooheon’s hair good-naturedly. “Missed you guys, it’s been boring around here without you to annoy me.”

Almost cooing with sentiment, Minhyuk reached over and hugged Gunhee while they all agreed with his statement. 

“I recall you being the most annoying one, though,” Hyunwoo butted in and Gunhee laughed along with them. 

“I can’t deny that, fucker. I would go over there and beat your ass but I’m not going to cause your muscles scare me.”

They all settled into banter easily, messing around with each other while the rest of their lunch got devoured in between biting insults and backhanded compliments. Changkyun envied the easy camaraderie between them all, but enjoyed looking at his group member’s bright expressions while it lasted. 

Once the table was clear of plates, Changkyun was able to hunch over and rest his arms on the table, thankful for the reprieve as his body ached at the upright position he had been keeping while he ate. 

“Gunhee, do you anything about the meeting going on?” Wonho asked later on during a lull in conversation. 

Gunhee looked genuinely surprised. “They didn’t tell you anything?”

“No, they just cancelled our schedule.” Hyunwoo answered stoically. 

Once again, Gunhee looked surprised before he sighed and turned to looked at Changkyun briefly before looking back at Hyunwoo. 

“I don’t really know why they cancelled your schedule but I did hear one of the manager’s mention Changkyun’s name. They didn’t know I was in the room but they kicked me out anyway, so I don’t know much more than that…” 

They thanked him for the information and continued on with the conversation, though Changkyun hardly noticed the concerned looks sent his way as he stubbornly looked down at the table and traced the wood pattern. Shortly after, Gunhee left while wishing them good luck.

+

While they had barely settled into the practice room, their manager stopped their chatter as he stepped through the room and told them to follow him to a meeting room. They followed him until they reached the room and then sat down. 

The only ones present in the room was their regular manager and another female manager that they only sometimes worked with. She was higher up in position and was actually considered the president’s right hand employee. Seeing her there was not exactly reassuring.

“I’m sorry that we couldn’t tell you why we cancelled your schedule this morning. It was a precaution that we felt was necessary under the circumstances.”

Wearily, Hyunwoo nodded in understanding but seemed to hesitate whether to inquire further. Before he could, Wonho spoke up. “What circumstances?” he asked respectfully but with a glint in his eyes. 

The female manager stared at them for a second in slight confusion before her eyes landed on Changkyun, silent as ever and seated in the middle between Hyunwoo and Wonho. 

“I guess this answers some of our questions,” she said thoughtfully while she contemplated. “Last week, one of the trainees came forward and confided in one of the assistants that the other trainees were hazing one of the members from Monsta X. We investigated the matter and found the perpetrators. We cut them from the trainee program and dissolved their contracts. It was a little too late though, wasn’t it Changkyun?”

Hearing the manager’s casual words while she explained, Changkyun paled. This had nothing to do with destroying company property or almost being late for an event; this was worse. His members might actually figure out everything that had happened yesterday. 

Changkyun looked around quickly, thinking about leaving the room and making a run for it, but Wonho’s hand was resting on the arm of his own chair, blocking his way on one side and Hyunwoo’s solid presence on the other side made him rethink the possibility of it happening. 

“Changkyun was being hazed?” Kihyun asked faintly, disconcerted and alarmed at the news.

“Yes,” the manager confirmed. “I thought it was weird that none of you had reported the matter already but I see now that Changkyun hadn’t informed you of what was happening.”

Avoiding the multitude of eyes on him, Changkyun looked down stubbornly and hunched in on himself further.

“It gets worse,” the female manager confided with a pitying look at the younger boy seated across from her. “One of the employees noticed the broken door yesterday evening. The storage room is where we hold some expensive equipment, so naturally, we thought that somebody had broken in and stolen something.”

“Storage room? Not a janitor’s closet?” Hyunwoo asked suspiciously. 

Looking confused, the manager shook her head. “It was definitely a storage room. We have cameras positioned around all of the storage areas though; so we were easily able to go through the security tapes and found out what happened. It seems like some of the trainees with dissolved contracts thought it was necessary to get their revenge... “ the manger grimaced slightly. “We’re sorry Changkyun, we should have warned your group members so that they could be vigilant and look out for you, but it seems that revoking the trainees access to the building wasn’t enough, they were able to get into the building somehow. We’re still trying to figure out how.”

“I don’t.. I don’t understand.. You’re telling me that yesterday, these trainees ambushed Changkyun?” Hyungwon asked, sounding astounded at the situation. The others looked much the same, confused, worried and upset that they hadn’t known about any of this beforehand; the fact that their member was being hazed and pushed around by the trainees while they had no clue didn’t exactly sit well with them. 

“We need your help identifying the trainees, Changkyun. The security camera recorded at night, so it’s hard to see their faces very clearly. Can you remember their names?”

Doing his best to breathe regularly, Changkyun shook his head in response. “I don’t know any of them,” he confided quietly. Hands shaking, he clutched at his sleeves in nervous tension. “Am I in trouble for breaking the door?” he asked with trepidation.

“No, of course not,” their manager answered, looking indignant at the thought. 

“Then, can I please leave?”

At least the manager had the decency to look sorry as she shook her head. 

“No Changkyun, this matter involves you. I know that you’re uncomfortable discussing this in front of your team members but they needed to know as well. Would you rather schedule a meeting where it’s just you and me to discuss the accident?” 

Quickly shaking his head in denial, Changkyun looked back down and tried not to hyperventilate. There was a warm hand rubbing at his hunched over back and he didn’t even know who it was, but it was helping to calm him. Nobody yelled at him, or accused him of keeping secrets. It was quiet, as if they were waiting on him to calm down. 

Changkyun reached forward to rest his head on his folded arms and closed his eyes tightly, trying to clear his mind of any thought. 

“We know most of the new trainees,” Minhyuk pointed out helpfully while he watched Changkyun’s back softly rising with each breath. 

“We can help identify them,” Wonho added in cajolingly, his expression unkind even though he was smiling. It was a vicious smile. 

“And even if we can’t, Gunhee knows most of them,” Jooheon said quietly, looking at the manger pleadingly. 

The manager looked at each of the members. They looked worried and upset at the matter in their hands, but there was also resolve there. They were angry and they wanted revenge, and the only way to do that was to find out who it was that had messed with their youngest member. 

“I’m not supposed to show you, the president thinks that you’ll try to get your revenge.” At the sounds of their protests interrupting her, she cut them off with an icy glare that quickly shut them up again. “Personally, I think you should know, it affects the group as a whole. But please remember your contracts, no hurting civilians intentionally,” she wearily told them with a warning expression. 

At their murmured agreements, she reluctantly nodded at the man beside her, who reached for the laptop sitting off to the side of the table. He handed it to Hyunwoo.

“The video is already loaded. We’ll step out of the room and give you privacy but please come find me or your manager once you can identify the trainees. If you feel like a trip to a…facility...is in order, let us know. We’ll arrange it.”

With that, the managers walked out and closed the door behind them, leaving the members to themselves. 

+

It can’t be that bad, the members all thought while they watched the grainy video through the laptop screen. If it was that bad, Changkyun would have told us. We would have found out.

At the sight of one of the trainees slamming Changkyun’s head against the wall and the others dragging him through the hall with a death grip on his hair, they lost hope. 

It wasn’t that bad, no, it was worse.

There was no sound on the video so they could only imagine what foul things the trainees were saying to Changkyun, who struggled and writhed but couldn’t break out of their grip. He was yelling something, probably obscenities, but when he finally turned his face away and gave in to the beating, the sight was truly heartbreaking. He was kicked and punched at, being battered in turns by all three boys and even by the boy who seemed to be a lookout. He looked resigned to the beating and the sight was sickening to watch. 

Minhyuk was already quietly crying into his hands, having stopped watching the video midway as he felt sick to his stomach. The others were hardly better, and even as they watched Changkyun get up in the video an indeterminable amount of time later after he was left alone, the sight of his limping across the room and clutching at his belly made them feel even sicker. 

Jooheon looked away from the video then, wiping away angry tears from his eyes and turning to face Changkyun who had Kihyun plastered to him in a desperate hug even though the arm of the chair was digging into his side.

Once the video stopped, the others tried to compose themselves. Minhyuk couldn’t help but sob loudly and clung to Hyunwoo tightly, hiding his face in his chest. 

At the sound of Minhyuk’s crying, Changkyun uncurled himself from his position and looked at them blearily, pale and wan. Their pitying looks and upset faces cut him to the core and he looked away from them, feeling faint. 

Changkyun felt like this morning’s lunch could be making a reappearance any moment and slowly slid out of the chair, breaking Kihyun’s hold on him and trying to keep some distance from his group members lest he lean over and throw up on their shoes or something equally disgusting. Sitting down against the wall, he hunched into himself and breathed slowly, trying to keep his stomach from rebelling. 

As they stood close by, Hyunwoo and Wonho watched as Changkyun turned white as a sheet right before their eyes, noticed that he hunched over as if he was going to be sick. Wonho quickly grabbed the trashcan and reached forward to place it in front of Changkyun.

“Are you ok?” Wonho asked as he kneeled in front. The members surrounded him, concerned for Changkyun’s welfare, especially after personally seeing the harsh beating he had received only yesterday. 

“Please move away,” Changkyun mustered out, hand covering his mouth. “I need air,” he explained faintly, sweat dotting his forehead. 

Instantly, Wonho backed away and pulled Kihyun with him, who was trying to reach forward to check Chankyun’s temperature. Jooheon, Minhyuk, and Hyungwon watched wide-eyed at the youngest, looking concerned but afraid to get closer because of his warning. 

For Changkyun, it was too late though, the pressure of the situation, the upset looks surrounding him, Minhyuk’s crying, Kihyun’s worried expression and his hand tentatively reaching out for him. His breathing accelerated quickly and though he looked up at the ceiling and focused on clearing his mind, he felt faint as he started hyperventilating. There wasn’t enough air getting into his lungs, he felt like he was suffocating. He clutched at his throat in panic, panic gripping him tightly and his heartbeat rocketed up, beating as fast as a hummingbird’s wings as he gasped loudly and painfully. 

Pushing Kihyun away and barking orders for the others to back off, Wonho gently pulled Changkyun’s hand away from his throat and reached his hand up to cover Changkyun’s eyes completely. 

“Focus on my breathing Changkyun,” Wonho told him calmly, grabbing Changkyun’s hand and placing it against his own chest. “Breathe in slowly through your nose, hold it, and exhale slowly through your mouth. Understand?” 

Changkyun only breathed out raspily, almost gasping but Wonho kept repeating his instructions calmly until Changkyun had enough sense to actually start following them. He followed Wonho’s example, feeling the other’s exaggeratedly slow breathing against his own palm and mimicking it as his heartbeat subconsciously synched with Wonho’s and his heartbeat slowed down to match the other. 

The panic attack slowly passed.

Everyone was quiet as they watched Wonho and Changkyun. Nobody knew that Changkyun suffered from panic attacks and they all wondered how often it happened. Gently pulling away from Minhyuk, Hyunwoo quietly walked out of the room and came back with a cold hand-towel, handing it to Wonho. 

Removing his hand from Changkyun’s eyes, Wonho focused on Changkyun’s bleary expression. His clammy body shook with slight aftershocks, and sweat was rolling down his forehead. 

Wonho carefully wiped the sweat away from his forehead using the wet towel and kept murmuring instructions to breathe calmly while Changkyun became re-acquainted with the sight of his team members as they watched him with concern. It was still too much to take in. Closing his eyes, Changkyun leaned forward to rest against Wonho’s chest and focused on the other’s breathing. 

Wonho held onto Changkyun’s shaking body and slowly arranged them until Changkyun was seated on his lap more comfortably and hiding his face against his neck.

“Do you want to go home?” Wonho murmured quietly. 

“Please,” Changkyun pleaded, his voice raspy.

Before long, Changyun was carried to the van by Wonho and settled into a seat as they clicked his seat belt for him and everything. As the youngest was unwilling to let go of Wonho’s hand, Wonho had to sit next to him. Kihyun sat on Changkyun’s other side and clung to the maknae as he closed his eyes and breathed deeply. He fell asleep soon after while Wonho and Hyunwoo talked about the situation quietly. 

“We know every one of the trainees except the look out,” Hyunwoo said while Minhyuk clung to his side once again. They were standing next to the van, looking at the members already seated. “We’ll go talk to the manager and see if Gunhee can help us identify the last one. Minhyuk, Jooheon, and I will stay here to get a handle on things.” 

Wonho nodded in response and then cursed quietly. “Ask if they’re gonna charge us for the door. I think it would be a little unfair, don’t you think?”

In the back row seat of the van, Hyungwon practically hissed. “My dad will have something to say about that if they do,” he murmured angrily.

“I doubt they will,” Jooheon contradicted, although he looked troubled by the thought.

“Let’s hurry up,” Kihyun whispered beside Changkyun. “He needs to sleep in a bed. And besides.. We need to find out the extent of his injuries.”

“We can only do that if he’s awake, he’ll panic otherwise,” Wonho responded, gently squeezing the hand holding his own. Slowly releasing his grip on Changkyun’s hand, Wonho got out of the seat and walked around the van to get into the driver’s seat. 

“Jooheon,” Wonho warned before the redhead closed the door of the van. Jooheon looked back at him in surprise and waited. “I know you’re only staying behind so that you can get revenge, but even if you somehow steal the trainees home addresses, remember that we can’t retaliate without pissing off the president.”

Upset, Jooheon looked away and grunted. “I wasn’t going to do that,” he mumbled.

“Yes you were, I know that glint in your eyes. Stay behind anyway, let Gunhee calm you down if he can. But remember that if you try to seek revenge, Changkyun will be upset. I don’t think he wants to hear anything more about the matter, understand?”

Reluctantly, Jooheon nodded and closed the door to the van, walking away to follow behind Hyunwoo and Minhyuk as they entered the building once again. The van drove away.

+

Since he was still sleeping, Changkyun was gently settled into Hyungwon’s bedroll which was arguably the most comfortable one in the dorm. Hyungwon had opted to sleep beside Changkyun, stealing Wonho’s bedroll in turn while Kihyun and Wonho headed for the kitchen, leaving the two to rest.

Kihyun put water to boil in the kettle, wanting to make some calming tea. 

“I don’t even know what to say, honestly..” Kihyun hoarsely whispered into the silence.

“We didn’t notice anything,” Wonho spoke up, clenching and unclenching his hands, looking to the side and thinking about the situation. “And he didn’t say anything either.”

“We’ve been awful to him, though. And on top of that, for him to endure the bullying in silence..” Kihyun cut himself off, turning around to hide the tear tracks running down his cheek. “Maybe he thought we wouldn’t care.”

Wonho felt awful at the reminder of his attitude to Changkyun. “I’ve been bullying him too,” Wonho added in regretfully, closing his eyes and biting his tongue so hard it bled. “I’m just as much to blame as those trainees.”

“It’s not the same,” Kihyun insisted, turning around and looking at Wonho. Wonho opened his eyes and glared at the kitchen table, eyes red-rimmed. 

“How am I different? I treat Changkyun like shit and I’ve been making life hell for him ever since No.Mercy ended.”

“It’s not the same,” Kihyun repeated faintly. “You just had to get used to his presence. You never physically hurt him. You were an ass, I can’t deny that. But you didn’t hurt him.”

“Give it up, Ki. I hurt him emotionally. And that’s worse.” 

“He’s not angry at you, Wonho. He doesn’t hate you, he likes you. I’ve seen him laugh at your jokes dammit, and they’re not that funny. Besides…Why would he cling to you today if he didn’t trust you? You grounded him during his panic attack and he didn’t reject your help or panic even worse.”

Shaking his head, Wonho rubbed at his face in frustration and anger at himself.

“It doesn’t matter what I think anyway. We’ve got to focus on Changkyun.” 

When Kihyun set down a steaming mug of tea in front of him, Wonho carefully sipped at it. Kihyun sat down next to him and wiped away tears once again, trying to make himself focus on the situation.

“Why would they bully him, though? The only thing I can think of is that they were jealous of him or something.”

“Isn’t it because he was promised to debut?” Tongue scalding from the tea and washing away the taste of blood, Wonho exhaled deeply. “I heard a trainee talking about it months ago, I can only imagine that the trainees aren’t happy about that especially since Changkyun just barely joined the company. Some of the younger trainees have been there for months or years.”

Incredulous, Kihyun gaped at him in shock and disconcertment. “Wonho.. Please tell me you don’t believe the rumors.”

Rumors? The word replayed in his mind. Wonho felt sick. He looked away and breathed harshly. “You mean they weren’t .. true?” he whispered faintly and lightheaded. 

Gravely, Kihyun shook his head and stared at him. “Changkyun was never promised to debut, he won with his own skill.”

Wonho felt like a knife had been shoved through his stomach. 

“Changkyun told us that, didn’t he? I … I didn’t believe him,” Wonho whispered, pale and shaking. He left the kitchen, stumbling over his feet in his hurry as he walked away. 

Kihyun finished his tea slowly, wiping his face free from tears before he got up and searched for him. He found him hiding out in their small backyard, sitting down on the grass and covering his face with his hands and shaking silently. Kihyun pulled him into a tight hug, comforting him while Wonho cried in shame. 

+

Dinner that night was later than usual but it was a little disorganized in the kitchen with everybody talking and taking up space; it had been a challenging for Kihyun and Jooheon to cook up dinner with everyone in their way. Their presence had been comforting though, the only reason that they hadn’t been kicked out of the kitchen. 

While the dishes were transferred to the living room table, Kihyun went to go wake up Changkyun. 

Looking around him in slight confusion at the fact that he wasn’t in his room, Changkyun followed Kihyun to the kitchen slowly while rubbing at his eyes and trying to fully wake up. He sat down next to Hyungwon and Jooheon and looked around at his members. He was half expecting an inquisition to happen, for him to be asked a multitude of questions and was inwardly bracing himself for it.

Noticing Changkyun’s weary look as he looked around him, Hyunwoo spoke up. “We’re not going to interrogate you. You don’t have to tell us anything if you don’t want to, it’s purely up to you if you want to talk about it. If not, we’ll refrain from speaking about the matter.”

Frowning slightly, Changkyun reached for his glass of water and sipped at it. Everyone else was eating and even if they seemed to watch over him in between bites of food and inane chatter, he realized that Hyunwoo was telling the truth. He finally relaxed and ate peacefully, allowing Jooheon to hold his hand and for Kihyun to reach across the table and feed him. 

Changkyun enjoyed dinner and the normalcy of it. As the dishes were put away and Hyungwon cleaned the table, Changkyun got up and decided to take a shower and head to bed early. 

“Are you going back to bed?” Wonho asked him mildly once he noticed him walking away. Changkyun stopped in his tracks. “I was going to take a shower first if it’s alright..” he trailed off, hesitant. 

Biting his lip, Wonho nodded. “Before you go to bed, we need to check to make sure that you’re physically ok and that you weren’t injured too badly in the.. altercation yesterday. Will you let us look you over? Or would you prefer to go to the clinic?”

Blinking rapidly, Changkyun looked away, embarrassed. “But I’m ok. I’m just sore that’s all..”

“We need to check, maknae. We can’t let you participate in any events until we’re sure that you’re in good health,” Hyunwoo piped up as he walked into the room, drying his hands on a kitchen towel. 

Wonho and Hyunwoo’s combined gazes made him want to submit right away and he tried to hold his ground. He was rather ashamed at the state of his body, knowing that the sight wasn’t exactly pretty. 

“It’s really not necessary, I’m alright.” Changkyun mustered out, mouth trembling slightly. There was a stare off that lasted only a couple of minutes before Changkyun lowered his head and reluctantly gave in.

“No clinic,” he pleaded quietly. 

After his shower, Changkyun was directed to lay down on a bed roll while Hyunwoo, Kihyun and Wonho checked him out. Really it was everyone else too because they wouldn’t leave the room and Changkyun simply closed his eyes and pretended that it wasn’t happening. He had already been shamed, embarrassed and exposed enough for one day, what was a little more in the end? 

Besides, everyone honestly looked worried over his well being. So he closed his eyes tightly and breathed deeply, letting Hyunwoo’s warm fingers prod over his bare ribs carefully as he tested them for fractures or breaks while Wonho’s cool fingertips lightly trailed over the bruises in his stomach.

It was disconcerting to see the darkened purple bruises mixed with dark red and yellow smudges that spread across Changkyun’s torso. His lower stomach had it the worse, though his arms and chest were marked to some extent with the signs of abuse, they were nothing in comparison to his stomach. There was no rib fractures or broken bones, though his upper arms and his shoulders had distinct marks where he had been held down.

When Wonho and Hyunwoo helped him turn around, mindful of his sore muscles, Kihyun instantly hissed in sympathy. Changkyun’s back was covered in welts and bruises, and on his lower back, close to his spine, there was a thin but long scrape that extended to wrap around his hip. It was barely starting to heal over, the raw flesh exposed and bleeding sluggishly. There was a single band-aid that went across the center and it seemed almost cartoonish when in comparison to the rest of his back. Biting his lip and looking pale at the sight of blood, Kihyun reached forward to take off the band-aid, wincing as it pulled on Changkyun’s skin. 

“A band-aid isn’t enough, you need a bandage,” Kihyun admonished lightly while walking to throw away the band-aid in the trash-can. Jooheon looked grossed out by the sight of it all and turned away to look at the wall, fanning himself.

“The cut doesn’t feel that big.” Changkyun muttered under his breath. Reaching for the first aid kit, Hyunwoo pulled out a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and cotton balls, passing them to Wonho.

“I think we should tell manager that a five days should be enough for Changkyun to recover,” Hyunwoo said while he searched through the kit for bandages and something to hold it in place. 

Protesting, Changkyun rose up to on his elbows, looking backwards to look at Hyunwoo in disbelief. “That’s too much, hyung! We have so many schedules planned, I can’t stay home for all of them!”

Wonho pushed at Changkyun’s shoulder until he was laying down flat again. “Calm down, maknae.” With the hydrogen peroxide soaked clump of cotton balls, he dabbed at the scrape on his back while Changkyun wriggled uncomfortably at the feeling and the slight sting. 

“I hate to say it, but even if he’s bruised and sore, I think it would be better if he rested for closer to three days. The fans won’t be happy that’s not in the performances or the appearances, we should try to limit that time to as much as possible,” Wonho explained. 

Hyunwoo sighed while Kihyun huffed. “The fans don’t matter right now, Changkyun’s health comes first.” 

“If we tell the fans that Changkyun sprained his wrist or something, they would be more understanding than if we just try to say that he’s unavailable or some other reason,” Minhyuk pointed out. The rest butted in and said their own opinion on the matter while Changkyun kept repeating “I’m fine, I can perform tomorrow,” which they pretty much ignored. 

“I need you to stand on your knees to bandage the cut,” Wonho told him quietly while the rest discussed the matter. Changkyun lifted himself up and used Kihyun’s shoulder to lean against while Wonho carefully wrapped the bandage around his waist, making sure to cover the entire area of the scrape. Using a metal clasp, he made sure the bandage was tight but comfortable.

“Too tight?” he asked, patting the bandage as if to check. 

“It’s alright,” Changkyun responded. He quickly put on a t-shirt afterwards, glad to finally be covered up. While the discussion continued around him, he leaned against Wonho who rubbed at his scalp pleasantly. Kihyun rubbed at his sore legs as he pulled them up to rest on his lap and Changkyun practically melted under their ministrations. He didn’t remember falling asleep.


	3. One Love

The bruises faded quicker than it took for Changkyun’s group members to stop hovering over him constantly in concern.

Day one of ‘recuperation,’ or whatever the hell Hyungwon had dubbed it in jest, was probably supposed to be boring. Changkyun had to stay at the dorm for the whole day while Monsta X-minus-one had a full schedule including the cancelled radio show from yesterday and performance at a mall followed by a fan sign. 

Changkyun was expecting it to be boring, but was sorely mistaken as he sat down for a late breakfast at at the kitchen table by himself. 

Minutes later, he received a message from Jooheon asking if he was already up. After replying yes, he had barely taken a spoonful out of the bowl of cereal when he received an incoming video message from Jooheon. He responded right away and was faced with Jooheon as he was squished in between Hyungwon and Minhyuk, Kihyun in the very back and trying to fit into the frame while he pushed at them to no avail. 

“Morning,” Changkyun said, blinking at the sight. He couldn’t even see the background of their location with the screen filled with faces.

“Hey,” Jooheon greeted cheerfully. “How’s it going?”

“Ask him how he’s feeling,” he heard Hyunwoo’s voice yell faintly from out of sight.

“I’m fine. I’m just bored,” Changkyun revealed. He had already spent a couple of hours playing X-box in the living room and had gotten tired of it already.

“Are you eating lunch? I packed you a lunch in the fridge so you shouldn’t eat any junk food!” Kihyun voiced, pushing Minhyuk’s face to the side so he could look at him properly. While Minhyuk whined at being man-handled, Changkyun laughed at the sight.

“I’m eating a late breakfast, hyung. I promise I’ll eat the lunch later,” he promised through chortles of laughter.

“I think he’s eating cereal,” Minhyuk said while he tried to push Kihyun out of frame again. “I’m hungry too,” he whined. 

“I hope you’re eating the bran cereal, not Wonho’s sugary unhealthy one…” Kihyun replied, squinting at the camera as if he couldn’t quite tell which one it was.

“It’s the sugary one, I can see the marshmallows,” Hyungwon answered helpfully with a shit-eating grin. A second later, the view of the camera revolved around the room, shifting and moving as if the person was running away with the phone while yells and shouts were heard in the background.

Changkyun blinked as Wonho suddenly came into frame, exhaling loudly as he held onto the phone and grinning maniacally into the phone. “Did I hear right? Are you eating my cereal? The one with the marshmallows and the cinnamon swirls that I have to buy myself with my own money because Kihyun won’t buy it when he does the shopping?”

Changkyun swallowed audibly and then seemed to pluck up in courage as he grinned cheekily in return. “Gotta go, I think my sister’s calling me on the other line.” 

Wonho cursed as Changkyun hung up the phone.“He doesn’t even have a sister!” 

+

The three days of rest sort of blend together for Changkyun, in between long stretches of boredom and the moments of excitement or laughter when he receives messages or video calls from the members during the day. 

He watches each performance online on Minhyuk’s borrowed laptop, fascinated at their performance and feeling both sad and immensely relieved when he sees that one empty space in their lineup. It’s not just enough to know it, but seeing first-hand that Monsta X is incomplete without him - it’s such a relief for Changkyun. 

There’s a knot in his stomach, an ache that’s been present ever since he joined No.Mercy that wouldn’t go away. It was the feeling of being inadequate, of feeling ostracized and pushed away by the people he wanted to be accepted by the most. And each day, he feels the knot loosen and uncoil until it’s gone and it feels like he can breathe properly for the first time in months.

And when the members of Monsta X - his friends - finally come home each day, Changkyun can’t help but to smile.

On the last day of ‘recuperation,’ Changkyun tries to cook dinner for them and ends up burning the main dish. When they finally arrive home and march tiredly into the living room and greet him, he smiles uncertainly at them from beside the pot of ramen that he made last-minute and hopes that they can’t smell the burnt food hiding in the bottom of the trash can. 

While it’s obvious to the members right away, considering the burnt smell clung to Changkyun’s clothes, they purposefully play ignorant to save the maknae’s dignity. 

“We bought some fried chicken too, we’re gonna have a good meal today,” Minhyuk crowed happily as he set down the take-out bag. They all settled down for dinner quickly, enthused by the spread on the table and finally relaxing.

Wonho, seated next to Changkyun since he’s the one closest to the ramen once again, hums appreciatively as he slurps up a noodle. “It’s really good,” he compliments Changkyun through long swallows. Changkyun laughs and reaches for a napkin, handing it to Wonho. “Thanks, hyung.” 

On Changkyun’s other side, Kihyun laughs and reaches over to smack at Wonho’s hand. 

“Leave some for the rest,” he chides though smiling at Wonho’s indignant scowl.

Wonho waits while everyone is finished eating to slurp at the dredges of ramen left in the pot, holding it above him easily although it was still warm to the touch. 

“Your obsession with ramen is somewhat disturbing,” Hyungwon comments with an expression that’s a cross between disgusted and amused. Beside him, Jooheon just looks disgusted. “Only somewhat?” he mumbles while he looks away. 

Wonho shrugs, uncaring. “It tastes really good today, I can’t help it.” 

“Is it better than mine?” Kihyun asks deceptively calm. 

“Yes,” Wonho answers without hesitation, licking at the corner of his lip as he sets down the pot. 

A chase through the living room ensues, Wonho running as if his life depended on it while Kihyun laughs in delight every time Wonho looks back and yells in panic. Minhyuk trips Wonho for the hell of it and then hides behind Jooheon while Kihyun clings to Wonho’s back and heartily slaps at it in satisfaction. 

Nonplussed by the spectacle, Hyunwoo starts gathering dishes and heads to the kitchen and Changkyun joins him. 

“It’s Wonho’s turn to do dishes,” Hyunwoo reminds him once he sees Changkyun putting on an apron so he won’t get his clothes wet while he fills up the sink with hot water. 

“I don’t mind helping. Besides, it sounds like he’s a little busy,” Changkyun grins as if on cue, they hear the sound of Wonho groaning in pain and Minhyuk and Hyungwon laughing in delight. Hyunwoo nods and then returns to the table for the rest of the dishes and puts them next to the sink in preparation to be washed. 

Before he leaves the kitchen though, he pats Changkyun’s head a few times. “You’re a good dongsaeng.”

Changkyun can’t help the grin that spreads across his face at the sentiment. 

He’s half-way through the dishes before Wonho walks into the kitchen, stretching his shoulders and sighing deeply in regret. Changkyun looks up at him and smiles, noticing the messy disarray of his hair and his wrinkled clothes.

“I hope you learned something from my mistake, maknae. Never outright or mistakenly tell Kihyun that his cooking isn’t the best,” Wonho tells him gravely. Changkyun nods in understanding before he chuckles, unable to help himself. 

“Sorry hyung, but I would never make that mistake,” Changkyun admits, laughing and Wonho joins him. 

“Thanks for helping out with the dishes. I’ll do laundry this weekend in repayment.”

At Changkyun’s protest, Wonho waves it off. “Fair’s fair.” 

Standing beside Changkyun, Wonho reaches for a tea-towel and starts to dry the dishes that have already been washed. They settle into rhythm as Changkyun washes and Wonho dries, while they both listen to the conversation going on in the living room. 

Once they finish the dishes, Changkyun dries his hands and looks around, making sure everything is put away while Wonho cleans the kitchen table and the counters one last time. For some reason, he keeps cleaning the same spot on the table even though it’s practically sparkling. Changkyun pretends not to notice.

“Hey Changkyun..” Wonho tentatively begins to say. Changkyun looks up expectantly and waits. “Would you mind.. Can we go talk outside for a bit?”

Looking at him in surprise, Changkyun agrees. “Sure, hyung.”

+

It was getting dark outside but there was enough light left that Changkyun could clearly see Wonho as he sat across from him on the grass. It felt nice; it looked like it might rain but that also meant that there was a nice breeze in the air. 

Wonho’s black bangs kept blowing into his eyes but he didn’t seem to notice. He was nervous and although that should have perhaps made Changkyun uneasy or worried, he couldn’t help but feel relaxed in Wonho’s presence. 

It had been like that for a while now, and Changkyun couldn’t remember when it started or why. 

“You told us in the beginning,” Wonho started to say, looking up at Changkyun while frowning slightly. “Remember in No.Mercy when Jooheon asked you if you were promised to debut and you denied it?” 

Confused, Changkyun nods. “I remember.” It was hard to forget, actually. 

Wonho nods again and sighs deeply. “You told him that one time and we all watched that episode. And then No.Mercy ended and the lineup was decided. And once again, you told us that you hadn’t been promised anything.”

Changkyun remembers. During a dance practice, seemingly out of nowhere, Kihyun had asked him the same question and Changkyun had told them the same thing he told Jooheon, hurt but also understanding of the fact that they felt the need to ask in the first place. If he was in their place, he would probably do the same so he couldn’t find it in himself to get angry at them. 

Frowning, Wonho looked down at the ground and absentmindedly started to grab and tear at the grass in front of him. “I never believed that you were telling the truth,” he reveals with a trembling tone. “This whole time, I believed you were lying to us about No.Mercy and your winning. I thought of you as a liar, and worse, one who thought we were too stupid to realize the truth.”

Shocked by the revelation, Changkyun couldn’t help but gape at him. He felt himself pale and his eyes got teary-eyed. “I - I promise, I wasn’t-”

“I know,” Wonho cut him off miserably as he looked up at him with a deceivingly wobbly grin through red-rimmed eyes. “I know Changkyun, I’m an idiot. I never believed you even though you were telling us the truth and in turn, I’ve.. I’ve treated you like dirt. I’ve shouted at you, provoked you, I’ve singled you out and blamed you for every stumble as we practiced, pointed out every little mistake in your singing while ignoring everyone else's.” Wonho sobbed at seeing Changkyun’s distraught expression, unable to hold back the tears. He could barely see through the liquid in his eyes. Angrily rubbing at his eyes in frustration, he continued on. “I’ve been a horrible person. I’m so sorry, please, please forgive me. I know I don’t deserve it, but p-please...” 

Wonho folded into himself and cried, and Changkyun felt his heart break at the sight. “It’s - it’s okay,” Changkyun stuttered out before he crawled the few feet forward and wrapped his arms around Wonho’s shoulders, crying. He couldn’t stand to see Wonho looking so miserably upset. 

Wonho hated being seen as week; although he had a faint heart for scary things and fears like heights, he always tried to hide it. And even when he heard that his mom was hospitalized weeks ago, Wonho had stayed strong and pretended like nothing was wrong even though everyone knew it had killed him inside to hear his mother’s frail voice on the phone telling him not to worry. 

So right now, watching him break down in front of Changkyun, it was so upsetting to see, as if the whole world had turned upside down in that moment. 

“Don’t cry, hy-hyung,” Changkyun mumbled out and Wonho’s arms circled his waist as he sobbed against Changkyun’s chest. It took a while for either of them to calm down. 

“I’m sorry,” Wonho kept repeating softly. Changkyun nuzzled into his neck and breathed slowly, feeling his heartbeat slowing down. “Stop apologizing,” he murmured pleadingly. In silence, they both held onto each other while the breeze blew stronger. When it started to rain, they headed inside and straight for the shower, pretending that they couldn’t see the concerned looks that they were receiving. 

+

One morning not long after, Changkyun woke up in the living room sofa with a clingy Minhyuk snoring against his stomach (later on he would find out that they were left behind while the rest of the members went grocery shopping.) 

Resigned to his fate as a pillow, he laid still and played games on his phone. When Minhyuk finally woke up, Changkyun wasn’t expecting a heart-felt apology by the still sleepy boy while he mortifyingly explained that he hadn’t believed Changkyun either when he told them that he wasn’t promised to debut. Minhyuk’s ashamed apologies and his recompensing cheek kisses and warm hugs took up most of the evening that by the time the others finally returned, Changkyun was still a glorified pillow as Minhyuk clung on to him and kissed his cheek every other minute while he showed Changkyun the posts he had left on their fancafe. 

“I posted a picture of you sleeping last week, Monbebes loved it,” Minhyk was giggling as he showed Changkyun the comments left behind on the post. “They’re a bit naughty, though, they kept asking for a shirtless picture of you sleeping.” Minhyuk laughed as Changkyun colored at the idea. 

“Hyung, we would probably lose fans, I don’t have any muscles,” Changkyun replied truthfully, although embarrassed by his own statement. 

“What are you talking about? Your flat tummy is cute, they would totally love it!”

“Stop corrupting the child, Min,” Hyunwoo said while carrying in a bag full of groceries. Changkyun looked at the leader with an insulted expression at being called a child and Hyunwoo just laughed. 

“Yeah!” Hyungwon yelled indignantly, “You’ve hardly corrupted me this week, I’m feeling a little unloved.” 

“Sometimes, I wonder why you’re all so weird,” Jooheon mused loudly while he walked in, munching on a handful of skittles. 

Kihyun smacked the back of his head. “Who you calling weird?” Jooheon groaned in complaint while Kihyun smirked, walking off to the kitchen. 

“He’s something else,” Jooheon muttered, sitting down on the the other sofa. “I think I’ve figured out why he’s so short…” 

“Why is that?” Wonho humored him as he sat down beside him, stealing a couple of the skittles.

“The shorter you are, the closer you are to hell. And Kihyun’s the shortest one here,” Jooheon explained and then cackled as a bag of frozen broccoli came flying from the kitchen, missing him but hitting Hyungwon instead who growled.

“I take insult to that, considering I’m only a little bit taller,” Changkyun monotoned while Jooheon continued to laugh. “Also, by that logic, Hyungwon would be less evil than Kihyun and I think they’re about equal.”

“Nah, Hyungwon’s too lazy to reciprocate most of the time. See? He’s eating the broccoli now instead of throwing it back to Kihyun,” Wonho replied, watching as the tall boy munched on a small piece.

“I’ll just leave it under his blanket tonight so he’ll get an unpleasant surprise,” Hyungwon mumbled quietly so that Kihyun couldn’t hear from the kitchen.

Kihyun’s scream that night was loud enough that it woke up Hyungwon in the other room, who cackled before rolling over and going back to sleep. 

+

It’s purely by accident that Changkyun witnesses what he knows is supposed to be a private moment. 

It’s the middle of the night and Changkyun skulks quietly down the hall, trying to be quiet since everyone is sleeping. His stomach is feeling acidic and he’s having a hard time trying to fall asleep, so he goes to look for an antacid in the bathroom cabinet where most of their medicine is stored. He swallows the tablet quickly, drinking some water afterwards to wash away the unpleasant medicinal taste. He hopes it starts working sooner rather than later, it’s past midnight and he just wants to go to sleep. But while he waits in the dark of the bathroom, faintly lit only by the nightlight plugged into the outlet, he thinks he hears noise coming from further down the hall.

Hesitantly, he wanders down the hall and to the living room. There’s no one there. He starts to head back toward the room when he hears it again - a slight hissing sound, though it sounds more like whistling. He stops and looks back at the doorway of the kitchen, walking towards it again and stopping once he catches sight of Wonho and Kihyun, seated on the kitchen table. 

Belatedly, he realizes that the hissing sound he heard was the sound of the kettle as the water starts to boil from inside it. Kihyun gets up and heads for the kettle, quickly and efficiently pouring out two cups and putting the kettle back down on a cool burner. Wonho watches him.

After Kihyun carefully gives Wonho one of the cups, he sits down next to him and then sips at the cup, sighing afterwards as he puts it down. They’re both silent and Wonho is hunched over himself as if he’s upset. “I don’t know what to do,” Wonho groans out, clutching at his head.

Changkyun feels guilty at interrupting a serious moment. He debates whether to walk away and leave them to their privacy, or to stand still and try to find out what was going on. If something was going on with Wonho, Changkyun wanted to know about it; to see if there was anything that he could help with or even just to support the other, even if he had to do it in secret. 

The sound of laughter surprises him and brings him out of his reverie. Kihyun is pinching Wonho’s cheek and Wonho lets him though he curses under his breath and halfheartedly bats at his hand to dislodge it. 

“You’re so dramatic! If only everybody else knew to what extent,” Kihyun snickers, trying to muffle the sound since it was the middle of the night.

Wonho whines at Kihyun’s words. “What am I supposed to do? I actually forgot his birthday was yesterday.. What should I buy him as a present? I’ve got to make it up to him..”

“I really doubt that your brother cares that you forgot, what’s the big deal?” Kihyun sips at his drink and then shrugs. “I think you should just buy him a present and apologize.”

“Okay you’re right, my brother doesn’t care. He said he knows I’ve been busy. But the real problem is my mom! I feel like the next time I visit home, she’s going to whoop my ass.”

Kihyun hums in return and then waits. Wonho looks away and then deflates, leaning back against the chair and ruffling his hair. “The fact that I forgot just makes it seem like I don’t care about my family. I just hate making mom upset.”

Nodding in understanding, Kihyun slowly stands up behind Wonho’s chair. He leans down and carefully wraps his arms around his neck. 

“Wonho, you’ve got to remember that she loves you no matter what. This is a small thing that she’ll forget about soon enough, but I think she would be more upset if she knew you were losing sleep over it.”

Sighing deeply, Wonho leans his head back and nuzzles into Kihyun.

It’s only then that Changkyun slowly steps back from the doorway and quietly makes his way back to the room and up to his bunk. He doesn’t really know what to think about the scene that he was privy to. He barely has the time to think at all, really, as his eyes shut without his permission and he drifts off into a dreamless sleep. 

The morning after, he wakes up well rested and only half-remembering the events from last night. He dismisses the occurrence, mostly because he doesn’t want to think about it anymore. 

+

When they get the news that they will be opening for Dream Concert, they’re all elated - it’s a chance of a lifetime and barely a few months into their career and they’ve already gotten this great chance. That elation continues all the way into the first day of their practice at the stadium itself, and then terror sets in at the sheer size of the stadium and the amount of seats spread out in front of the stage. 

For the performance, Wonho and Hyunwoo have to jump up from a spring-loaded platform and begin their dance break before the rest of the group rises through the stage through a lifting platform.

Wonho and Hyunwoo practice the jump as much as the schedule will allow with other performers needing to practice in the same stage. Hyunwoo manages to get the jump after the third try. Wonho himself keeps messing up at the end, unable to stop himself from fumbling at the abrupt landing. He practices constantly until he is able to make the jump on every try, even though Hyunwoo cautions him to take it easy. 

If there’s anything that Changkyun’s learned since meeting Wonho, it’s that the older member is stubborn when it comes to the things that matter to him and apparently this is one of them. 

The day of the concert, they wake up early and head to the stage to practice. They all stretch and get ready although Wonho seems to move a bit stiffly. It’s only when Minhyuk offers him a patch for muscle pain that they realize how sore he is. Wonho groans in relief and squeezes Minhyuk tightly in gratitude; tight enough that Minhyuk asks to be released from the hug even though he is the most touchy-feely out of all of them and normally enjoys all kinds of affections. 

Wonho hasn’t complained once about the whole affair and now Changkyun feels stupid for being too caught up with his own nerves to realize that Wonho was the most nervous out of all of them. 

Hyunwoo almost cuffs Wonho on the ear when he realizes the same but he refrains, seeing as they’re next to the stage and the whole place is littered with techs and coordinators who are making sure that everything is going smoothly. There’s no point in chiding Wonho in front of everyone where he will be embarrassed. Besides, he was old enough to realize the consequences of his actions on his own. 

Their last practice continues and everything goes smoothly. 

When practice is done and over with and they’re heading back to the waiting room, it feels surreal walking by other idols and exchanging greetings with them. They’re a new group and mostly unknown but everyone they greet exchanges small pleasantries with them if they have the time, and it makes them feels welcome. 

Back in their waiting room, Changkyun sits beside Hyungwon as the other seems the least nervous out of all of them and hopes that some of the calm transfers to him. It’s useless but at least Hyungwon is nice enough to share snacks with him, although they have to be secretive about it since they weren’t allowed to snack before having lunch first.

Later on after their hair and makeup is done and they’re heading to the stage to perform, Changkyun breathes deeply and pushes all the nerves deep down inside of himself, buries it far underneath the excitement of getting the chance of a lifetime.  
He watches Jooheon as he raps quietly to himself, getting hyped up and ready while Minhyuk imitates him and laughs when he gets it wrong. Hyunwoo stretches and makes Hyungwon do the same although the other groans at the task since he’s sleepy from the long wait they had to endure. Kihyun warms up his vocal cords and Wonho flexes his arms and breathes deeply, psyching himself up. 

Changkyun usually follows Jooheon and practices his rap, but this time, he can’t help but to watch Kihyun and Wonho. They don’t really notice, at least that’s what Changkyun thinks at first. He briefly looks down to make sure his shoes are properly tied and when he looks up, it’s to meet Kihyun’s knowing gaze. He flushes and looks away. 

It’s only later that he realizes that he didn’t really have a reason to be embarrassed although by acting as such, he had outed himself to be doing something worth being embarrassed about. 

At the end of the concert and resting against Jooheon while they take turns getting their makeup removed, he thinks back to before the performance and Kihyun’s knowing smirk. And then he remembers the way his mic had stopped working towards the end of the performance and he had started to shout in order to be heard, although it was useless. He doesn’t even know which of the two occurrences embarrasses him more; he groans loudly and Jooheon consolingly pats his back.

\+ 

“Hyung, don’t be mad at me,” Minhyuk pleads while puffing out his cheeks in an attempt to appear cute, batting his eyelashes. 

Changkyun is ready to forgive him but then remembers that he isn’t the one being apologized to. Despite that little detail, he reaches over to the seat in front and pokes at Minhyuk’s cheek, laughing as the air escapes his mouth in a soft hiss. 

Next to Minhyuk, Wonho coughs at the display and bites his lip hard. He continues to frown even though his lips tremble from the effort of holding back his laughter. 

They’re on the car ride to their dorm. Earlier in the day, they had a radio interview where each member had been cajoled into revealing a good and bad trait from the person next to them. Minhyuk had been next to Wonho and when his turn came around, he had bashfully revealed that Wonho got pissed off easily and would get a bad attitude. 

Wonho couldn’t exactly dispute the matter during the interview so he had laughed it off but as soon as they got in the car, Minhyuk had started to whine for forgiveness as Wonho gave him the cold shoulder. It was mostly for show; although Wonho felt a little bit hurt by Minhyuk’s words, he couldn’t deny the truth of the statement. Just thinking back to when Changkyun had first joined them was proof enough that his attitude could use some readjustment when under duress. 

But now, hearing Changkyun’s laughter while Minhyuk puffed up his cheeks again so the maknae could reach over and poke at them, Wonho gave in easily. He relented and allowed himself to smile, turning to face Minhyuk and reaching over to squeeze Minhyuk’s cheek.

“I forgive you, you little shit,” Wonho said through gritted teeth. 

“Hyunggg,” Minhyuk whined and only then did Wonho stop and pull him in for a rough hug, ignoring Hyungwon’s sarcastic cooing sounds at the display of affection.

In the back seat, Changkyun giggled at Hyungwon’s pouty lips as he sulked over being ignored and Jooheon distracted the taller boy by asking him to take a picture. Hyungwon’s mood changed instantly and Jooheon was practically manhandled as Hyungwon tried to get him into the perfect position to get the best lighting for the picture. 

Changkyun would have joined but he waved off Hyungwon’s come hither gestures and settled for looking outside the window of the car and slowly unwinding from all the excitement of the day. Closing his eyes, he breathed in deeply and relaxed. 

He listened to the the voices of his group members as they talked and laughed. Hyunwoo was discussing things with their manager while Kihyun started talking about the interview with Minhyuk and Wonho. Jooheon and Hyungwon laughed next to him and he could hear the sounds of the camera shutter as Hyungwon took picture after picture even after Jooheon politely begged him to stop through clenched teeth.

Kihyun had started singing at some point, and only then was Changkyun lulled to sleep by the sweet sounds of his voice. 

+

Waking up with a start, Changkyun opens his eyes and looks around blearily.

“We’re here, kkukkungie.” Jooheon is shaking his shoulder gently and Changkyun sits up reluctantly. He feels sleep deprived though that’s probably from the long plane trip from the morning. 

Getting out of the car while rubbing his eyes, he’s startled by the sound of girlish screams and chants of Monsta X plus all of their names being shouted randomly here and there. Jooheon notices his disorientation and holds on to his arm, leading him into the hotel that they’re to be staying in. 

Although Changkyun feels tired and he probably looks awful, he waves at the fans and smiles at their enthusiasm. Cameras start flashing and he has to close his eyes unwillingly because the bright light is hurting his eyes. He feels his members surround him without a word and he feels better when he’s shielded from the gazes of their fans just because he doesn’t feel completely awake yet. He rubs at his eyes and he feels a warm hand tugging the hood of his jacket up until his sight is partially covered by the black fabric. 

“Thanks,” he mumbles. He feels an answering pat on his back as he’s led forward while he looks down at his shoes and experiences a moment of disbelief at hearing the loud chants that fade away as they walk into the lobby of the hotel. 

It’s been seven months since their debut and it’s getting cooler outside as October winds blow continuously. Their Hero promotions are going well and to Changkyun, it’s almost unbelievable to watch the amount of fans that they’ve gained as time passed. They jokingly attribute the rise in fans during this promotion to Wonho’s abs and Hyunwoo’s biceps. 

Although they’re just glad that they’ve gotten to this point, it sounds insane to Changkyun when he thinks back to the days of No.Mercy and the tentative beginnings of Monsta X as a whole. He can’t help but to think that he would go through it all over again, or even a hundred different times if he knew that they would end up at the same place as now.

“Earth to Changkyun,” Kihyun voices loudly, waving his hand in front of his face. Changkyun’s reminiscing abruptly stops and he looks up at Kihyun and smiles ruefully. 

“Sorry Ki, I guess I’m just tired,” he reveals when the other looks at him in concern. 

“It was a long flight,” Jooheon muses next to him. “Come on, we’re done checking in. You were sleeping in the car but we’ve already split rooms.”

“Okay,” Changkyun agrees and follows behind the members as they drag their suitcases behind them up to the elevator. It’s only when he looks around in the elevator and yawns that it suddenly hits him that he’s forgotten his luggage back in the car. 

“Oh! I forgot my stuff,” he says out loud. Minhyuk and Jooheon, sharing the first elevator with him, stare at him briefly before they smile in amusement. 

“You’re really out of it right now. It’s okay, I think either Hyunwoo or Wonho are carrying your luggage up.” 

After getting off the elevator, Changkyun waits for Jooheon to open up the door. When the other finally unlocks it with the key card, he turns to him and looks momentarily surprised at seeing Changkyun waiting for him. 

“Sorry I forgot to tell you; you’re with Kihyun and Wonho this time around. I hope you don’t mind…”

Changkyun only raises an eyebrow in question.

“Kihyun thinks you’re getting sick, you’ve been pretty lethargic since yesterday. He wants to look after you in case you do get a cold.”

Well that explained it; Kihyun took his role as the mom of the group very seriously. Last time it had been Hyunwoo who had caught a fever from overworking himself. Despite him being the leader, he couldn’t avoid Kihyun’s chiding reminders to take it easy and his overbearing caretaking until Hyunwoo finally got better. 

Changkyun frowned slightly at the news, trying to remember if he had been acting off. If he was a little slower during yesterday’s performance, it was purely by accident on his part. Shrugging of the speculation, he waits in the hall while he watches Jooheon put away his stuff through the open door.

“Are you hungry?” Jooheon asks him while he plugs in his phone charger and starts to charge his cell phone. 

“Starving,” Changkyun admits, rubbing at his empty stomach at the reminder.

“Me too. I’m so hungry I could eat that stinky tofu,” Jooheon jokes. They laugh at the reminder of the event.

“Get situated in your rooms and we’ll go out to eat afterwards. Or would you prefer to order room-service?” Hyunwoo asks them. Hyunwoo and Wonho are walking towards them, Wonho carrying two sets of luggage behind him. Changkyun hurries to help him and ruefully grins at the other in thanks. 

“Let’s wait for the others before we decide,” Minhyuk speaks up from the room beside Jooheon’s. They all agree. Wonho tugs at his jacket as he passes by and Changkyun follows after him as the other opens up the door to their room. The room only has two beds although there is a medium sized couch near the wall. Surmising that it will be his bed for the night, he pulls his large suitcase behind him and sets it beside the wall and next to the couch. 

They are staying at the hotel for approximately four days; Changkyun doesn’t really like to put away his clothes into the provided wardrobe; he usually lives out of his suitcase when abroad. After finding an outlet and plugging in his phone, he sits down on the couch and relaxes for a few minutes while he watches Wonho put away his clothes and take off his shoes. Afterwards, he lays down on the bed. Kihyun arrives a minute later.

“I hate to say it, but I think Hyungwon’s right,” Wonho speaks up as he sits up and ruffles his hair.

“About what?” Kihyun asks as he walks around and gets comfortable with their accommodations. After searching around in his carry-along bag, he grabs his tablet and sits down on the bed, fiddling with the appliance. 

“I’m pretty sure that Hyunwoo has a daddy kink. I mean, have you seen how he gets whenever a fan calls him daddy?” 

Kihyun stares at Wonho in amazement before he huffs and laughs lightly. “When were you and Hyungwon discussing this exactly?” 

“Oh, in the plane. Anyway, the point is that Hyunwoo gets embarrassed and flustered whenever it happens. But just imagine what would happen if Minhyuk called him daddy.. He’d probably implode. Or what if Minhyuk already calls him daddy?” Wonho cackles at the idea while Kihyun glares at him, unimpressed. He steals a glance at Changkyun and blanches as he notices the slightly disturbed look that Changkyun sports at Wonho’s words.

“Wonho, have you forgotten that maknae’s in the room? Think about what you’re implying,” Kihyun grits out, murder in his eyes. Abruptly, Wonho sits up from the bed after having rolled around in it a couple times from the force of his laughter. He watches Changkyun and Changkyun looks back at him with wide eyes.

“I - uh, I thought for sure he knew,” Wonho whispers furiously to Kihyun. 

“Why would Minhyuk call Hyunwoo daddy?” Changkyun asks cluelessly with a puzzled expression on his face.

Wonho opens and closes his mouth a few times, speechless at the question while Kihyun rubs at the bridge of his nose, frustrated. When he starts to reach out to punch Wonho or do something equally as painful, Changkyun laughs but hurriedly gets up to intervene, reaching out to Kihyun’s arm and clinging to it so the other can’t complete the task.

“I was just messing with you; I know about Hyunwoo and Minhyuk, hyung,” he explains while they stare at him in confusion. Kihyun looks abashed at being played by the maknae while Wonho sighs in relief at narrowly avoiding a pummeling. 

_“You better be glad that you weren’t the one that ruined his innocence,”_ Kihyun murmurs quietly at the other. Wonho grins nervously at this while Changkyun tries not to laugh at the exchange. 

“How did you find out?” Wonho asks after a second, a suspicious look in his eyes. 

Changkyun blushes and looks away, trying to avoid their gaze.

“I would rather not say,” Changkyun mumbles and sits down on the bed, leaning back to lie down and to avoid looking at the knowing smirks he’s receiving. It’s no use, Kihyun crawls up the bed and turns to his side, leaning on his arm. He looks down at Changkyun and laughs at the bashful look he receives. 

“Fine, we won’t ask.”

Changkyun smiles in relief and looks away after a second, unable to withstand the intense stare that he’s being subjected to. “Do I have something on my face?” 

“No,” Wonho eventually answers, calculatingly. “Come on, let’s go talk to the others about food.” With that, he gets up from the bed and makes his way to Hyunwoo and Minhyuk’s room and Kihyun and Changkyun follow after him.

Changkyun internally wonders why Wonho and Kihyun keep looking at him like that - as if they’re trying to figure out something but he can’t tell what it is. The need to know drives him mad. 

+

When Changkyun heads back to the room later, he’s stuffed full from all the pizza that he ate and the food only served to make him sleepy again. He chose to leave the others to their antics as Minhyuk and Hyungwon started to film a video that they could upload later for their fans. Although Changkyun would usually join them, he finds himself seeking solitude. Once back in the room, he relaxes into the couch and tries to fall asleep. 

He can’t. For some weird reason, his mind won’t stop thinking about everything and nothing. He thinks about his family, the performance tomorrow, his and Jooheon’s latest song project, Minhyuk’s crimped vs straight hair, their choreography, Hyungwon’s general disdain of early mornings, his worn shoes, Wonho’s abs, Kihyun’s smirk, Wonho’s laugh, Kihyun’s smile.. For some reason his unstoppable train of thought starts devolving into what he considers a train wreck. He can’t stop thinking about Kihyun and Wonho; it’s rather disconcerting to realize. 

Two hours later or so, he hears the door open followed by hesitant footsteps as his temporary roommates try to be quiet. Hearing a loud thump followed by a muffled curse, he takes pity on the two and loudly says “I’m awake, you can turn on the lights if you want.”

The lights are soon turned on while he watches as Kihyun stumbles around, clutching at his foot. After a few seconds, he straightens up and after glaring at the corner of one bed, turns to look at Changkyun. He looks puzzled when he observes the fact that Changkyun is laying down on the sofa with a blanket covering him. 

“Why are you on the sofa?” Wonho asks before Kihyun can, striding further into the room. He’s holding a bag of gummy candies and is chewing on one as he sits down on the corner of the bed.

Changkyun sits up from the sofa and pulls the covers off, a bit hot. 

“Cause I’m sleeping here tonight?”

Kihyun snorts. “No you’re not. You’ve got one of the beds, Wonho and I are sharing the other.”

Changkyun’s mouth opens in surprise. “Oh.. I see. Um, are you sure you don’t want me to take the couch? I don’t mind, really..”

Wonho arches an eyebrow. “Kihyun thinks you might be getting sick, do you really think he’ll let you sleep on the couch?”

Changkyun sheepishly scratches at the back of his head. He reluctantly gets out of the sofa and lays down on the bed, although wishing he could argue, there’s no point. Kihyun gets what he wants (if both Hyunwoo and Wonho thinks it’s within reason. And sometimes, even if they don’t think so). He’s known the other long enough that he’s just accepted it as a fact.

So he lays down and watches as they get through their bedtime rituals. They take turns brushing their teeth in the attached bathroom and changing into pajamas in Kihyun’s case, and taking off his clothes except his boxers in Wonho’s case. Changkyun tries not to focus on that last part, idly gazing at his phone. 

Wonho lays down on the other bed and asks Changkyun if it’s okay if he watches a movie on his laptop with the sound on. Not sleepy in the least, he instantly agrees. When Kihyun is finally ready for bed, he gets into bed next to Wonho and rubs at his eyes, but settles in to watch the movie that Wonho’s playing on the laptop sitting on his belly as he lays down. 

Changkyun’s already watched the movie, but he watches it anyway as Wonho tilts the laptop to the side so that he can see it as well. He drifts off eventually, although he doesn’t think he imagined Wonho’s firm hold on Kihyun’s waist while the movie played on. 

+

Two days later and Changkyun’s only caught a mild fever. After having to endure a whole performance through pouring rain, he starts to feel hazy and delirious as his health quickly declines. 

From the end of the performance to getting to the car and heading to the hotel room, his memory starts to get hazy. He doesn’t remember the car ride there, all he remembers is entering the hotel room aided by strong hands, sweaty but shivering at the cold from the air conditioned room. He whines at the cold, burrowing into the warmth at his side. 

He vaguely senses when he’s laid down and as the warmth threatens to leave, he clings to it stubbornly, weakly grasping the source of warmth and emitting low whines of discontent. He can’t even voice out his concerns, his mind feels so jumbled and his body fluctuating between burning hot and extremely cold.

A cold hand settles on his forehead and then his cheek, and he sighs in relief at the sensation. He feels a wet sensation wiping across his forehead and it clears away the sweat that forms at his brow and his neck, soothing and gentle. He falls asleep though his head is pounding.

Later, he’s awoken by rhythmic shakes to his shoulder. He whines again, trying to burrow away into the warmth by his side. He can’t struggle when he’s raised up forcibly, his back held upright and when a bitter pill is inserted into his mouth, a thumb forcibly opening his lips until the pill can be inserted into his tongue. He swallows it irritably, but grateful when water is pressed against his lips and he drinks at the cold liquid in small sips. 

Once he’s laid down again, he clings at the blankets surrounding him and burrows into the warm pillow next to him, pawing at the covers weakly until they’re raised up to cover him completely. Before he knows it, he’s out like a light.

When he wakes up next, he feels unbearably hot. His thin t-shirt is soaked with sweat and he feels like he’s burning up, feeling almost claustrophobic as he takes in the darkness covering him. He pulls back at the covers and closes his eyes at the bright light that invades his eyesight. 

He moans, nuzzling into the warm skin pressed against him. A warm hand settles across his waist, rubbing softly at the divot on the base of his spine and absentmindedly counting each vertebrae. A moment later, he opens his eyes wide and stares straight at Wonho’s lidded gaze and his amused smile. 

“I - I - hyung,” he mutters out incoherently, trying to make sense of the situation while his mind goes haywire. He can’t concentrate though, with his mind soaking up little details like the fact that he’s lying completely on top of Wonho, whose sweat-soaked white t-shirt practically clings to his skin, and who is apparently only wearing boxers. His mind blanks on that last detail, and he feels almost as delirious as the night before when he notices how close their faces are to each other. Wonho’s lips look reddened from his constant biting at them and the sultry gaze he sports is doing wonders for raising Changkyun’s libido.

Closing his eyes in embarrassment, Changkyun tries to rise from his position. Flustered as he is, and with his feet tangled into the covers, he only manages to raise up halfway before he starts to fall again. Wonho catches him with a steady grip against his hips and Changkyun grunts as he settles into his new position, which unfortunately ends up with him straddling the other. This position is much worse, and Changkyun moans at his clumsiness, a moan that turns into a squeak when Wonho pulls him back down so that he’s lying against his chest again. 

Changkyun stares into Wonho’s eyes, the heat from his smoldering eyes melting his insides and making his stomach flutter with nervousness. Wonho licks his lips, and slowly leans in closer until their faces are so close that Changkyun absentmindedly notices the small mole underneath Wonho’s eye and he can feel Wonho’s breath against his own mouth. 

_Fuck it,_ Changkyun decides with his heart in his throat. Closing his eyes, Changkyun leans forward to tentatively kiss Wonho. The press of lips is heated but short as Wonho disengages first only to look at him closely, as if seizing him up. Inevitably, his eyes drift once again to settle on Changkyun’s lips. 

“Are you sure?” Wonho whispers. 

Biting at his lower lip, Changkyun leans in again, locking lips with the other and pressing himself harder against Wonho’s body underneath him. Changkyun practically moans into the kiss, feeling a slick tongue as it swipes across his lip and begs for entrance. He opens his mouth and tangles his own tongue against Wonho’s, battling for dominance as they lick into each other's mouths with feverish need.

A loud cough breaks through their haze, and Changkyun sits up lightning fast, looking sideways at the other bed in the room and locking eyes with Kihyun’s own heated gaze. “I hate to interrupt, I mean, I _really_ hate to, but I think we have about thirty minutes before we have to be at an interview.”

Though he says this with a sense of urgency, he himself is ready to leave but he’s placidly lounging against the other bed as he watches them, seemingly content by the sight that greets him. 

Changkyun exhales breathily and wipes at his saliva-slicked lips, embarrassed beyond comparison. With a mumbled excuse about taking a shower, he quickly scrambles up from the bed and walks/half-runs towards the bathroom in a hurry. He closes the door and breathes out shakily, staring at himself from the mirror across the wall. 

With the limited amount of time he has, he only has time to stare into the mirror in absent-minded amazement for a few minutes before he forces himself into action. Getting into the shower, he lets the cold water shock him fully awake while the feelings of embarrassment and lust battle inside of him. Eventually, the lust subsides, leaving him to calm down a bit from the emotional high. Mind wandering as the water cools down his sweaty skin, Changkyun scrunches his eyes shut and contemplates on the whole situation. 

Really, it started when he first started noticing how close Wonho and Kihyun are. He kept witnessing the small moments when they would brush hands against each other when they thought no one else was looking and the way that Wonho would acquiesce to Kihyun’s demands even if he fought the others more on the same matter. 

Changkyun’s suspicions of them being in a relationship were solidly confirmed when he caught them during one of their heated make-out sessions, though he kept it quiet because he only found out after another one of his midnight excursions through the dorm. 

In fact, he had found out about Hyunwoo and Minhyuk the same way, and had even witnessed the confusing and somewhat terrifying scene of Hyungwon in the middle of the night, peeling avocados and mashing them together only to apply the concoction to his face as a mask with two slices of tomatoes on his eyes as he relaxed against the couch. 

That last one was the one that made him rethink about continuing his sneaky excursions but Changkyun couldn’t stop once he started, Hyungwon’s weird face masks or not. 

So he’d known about Kihyun and Wonho’s relationship for months now, enough that he could admit to himself that he always found a perverse pleasure in watching them from afar. But falling in love with two people already in a relationship was kind of fruitless wasn’t it? Or at least, that’s what Changkyun had thought to himself this whole time, as he tried to forget about the secret scenes he kept intruding on, the furious whispers to be quiet followed by muffled moans and heated kisses. 

And now he stood in the shower and contemplated what this meant. Granted, Kihyun didn’t exactly seem bothered by the occurrence that happened in bed earlier, but Changkyun was still terrified of what Kihyun and Wonho would say or do, and even more terrified that it was a once in a lifetime kiss and it would never happen again.

For some reason, Changkyun couldn’t stop touching his lips and he kept replaying the scene in his mind. Realizing that he was just standing in the shower even though he was already finished washing up, Changkyun grunted at his own ridiculousness. 

Hasting through his morning ritual, he finished brushing his teeth and was getting ready to change once he realized that he had rushed into the shower without his clothes. While feeling like a complete idiot, he used the towel to cover himself and reluctantly left the bathroom. 

Wonho grinned as he got up and rushed into the bathroom, as he had even less time to get ready. Changkyun couldn’t even look at him as he passed by and he fervently ignored Kihyun’s gaze as he searched through his suitcase until he found his clothes for the day. 

“Dress warmly, it might rain again today,” Kihyun spoke up from the bed. Changkyun nodded in response and started to get changed, startled half-way through when the door opened. Minhyuk and Jooheon walked in after quickly closing the door and Changkyun finished getting dressed, somewhat relieved by the other’s presences.

“We ordered a small breakfast - we’re gonna have to eat in the car, you guys are kind of late in getting ready,” Minhyuk announces as he walks towards a bed and bounces on top. Jooheon looks barely awake, though he passes by Changkyun and quickly checks his temperature with the back of his hand.

“You look a lot better than yesterday, that fever hit you quick.”

“Ah, I guess. I don’t even remember anything after the show,” Changkyun reveals while putting on his shoes. 

“You were so cute, you clung to Wonho’s arm and wouldn’t let go,” Minhyuk teases while he watches them from the bed. “Anyway, I’m glad you’re feeling better. We were going to take you to the hospital if the fever got high enough but Kihyun notified us that it broke around four in the morning.”

Changkyun sneaks a look at Kihyun from under his bangs and notices that the other looks tired. He wonders if Kihyun and Wonho stayed up all night watching over him and quickly decided that they probably did, considering how protective they both are. He doesn’t know whether to feel happy about the fact that they care about him enough to do that, or worry over the fact that they’ll be extra tired from today’s packed schedule. 

He settles for a mix of both emotions and tries hard not to flush when Wonho exits the bathroom with steam pouring out the small room. He’s wearing pants but he’s shirtless and Changkyun tries not to be obvious about the fact that he’s admiring his body once again, glad when Wonho finally puts on a shirt because it helps to block out the sight of his milky skin. 

When they’re all packed into the van and food is distributed among them, they eat with fervor and Changkyun feels almost starved even once he finished his own portion. Jooheon tries to give him part of his food and Changkyun declines quietly, gulping down the rest of his water bottle. 

When exiting the van, Hyungwon ends up pushing a whole snack cake into his mouth, and as the fans around them cheer for them and chant, Changkyun can’t decline the food and instead, quickly eats it while trying to brush away the crumbs. 

“Thanks,” he says while Hyungwon tugs him towards the others who are ahead of them.

“Don’t mention it,” Hyungwon replies.

The rest of the day is as busy and confusing as the morning is. In between interviews and a fan sign event, Changkyun tries not to be obvious that he’s trying to avoid Wonho and Kihyun’s gaze while subtly hiding behind Jooheon throughout the day.

+

Laying in bed later that night, Changkyun’s not surprised in the least when Kihyun slides into bed on one side while Wonho settles on the other side, reaching under the covers until he can drape his arm across Changkyun’s stomach, pressing in closely from behind. 

Changkyun’s stomach is a ball of nerves and his breathing starts to quicken without his permission. Without saying a word, Kihyun leans in slightly and reaches for Changkyun’s hand, placing it against his own chest so that Changkyun can try to mimic his breathing and heartbeat. 

In the months since Changkyun had his first panic attack in front of his group members, they had all learned to deal with them in their own unique way though Wonho’s method seemed to work the best. 

The embarrassment over his anxiety always makes him feel awkward during these moments but right now, Changkyun just feels grateful for their presence as Wonho murmurs familiar instructions to breathe in deeply and exhale slowly. Minutes later, or maybe hours, Changkyun’s not good with time; he feels Kihyun’s warm fingertips as they slowly press against his cheekbone.

“Please,” Changkyun whispers quietly in the silence of the room, looking at Kihyun from underneath his eyelashes. 

Kihyun kisses the corner of his mouth and smiles before he practically devours his mouth in a hungry kiss, voracious and warm and slick. Changkyun relaxes into the kiss, the sensations wiping his mind blank from any thought bar the feeling of Kihyun’s talented tongue as it explores his mouth in lazy licks and swipes. Wonho’s arm is almost like a security blanket and he feels so wanted and loved in that second, enclosed by warm hands and surrounded by Kihyun and Wonho; their fevered kisses, their scents and their warm skin driving him into a pleasant haze. 

Right now, there’s no need for words or promises. Nuzzling into the crook of Kihyun’s shoulder, Changkyun breathes in slowly and exhales, relaxing against Kihyun’s rumbling chest as the elder laughs lightly at something Wonho whispered. Breathing deeply, Changkyun falls asleep. 

+

Back in their dorm, Changkyun sits down in front of the table laden with food. It’s a Saturday night and it’s way past dinner time, but Hyungwon had made a mess in the kitchen with what they had assumed was dinner, but ended up being another weird concoction for a face mask he wanted to try. (Needless to say, Hyungwon was grounded. And although that wasn’t actually possible considering he wasn’t an errant child, Hyungwon accepted the punishment nonplussed and somewhat bored, stirring at the weirdly colored substance in his bowl.)

So dinner was delayed by quite a bit, but no one really seemed to mind. Changkyun reaches for more water and sits back down, nudging Kihyun accidentally as he settles back into place. He mumbles sorry through a mouthful of food and Kihyun smiles and clutches at his hand underneath the table. 

Sitting beside him on the other side, Wonho absentmindedly brushes a stray hair from Chankyun’s shoulder as he talks to Hyungwon about a choreography video that he saw earlier in the day. Across the table from him and watching him with a teasing grin, Jooheon starts to free-style rap and tries to entice him to join. Changkyun stubbornly shakes his no in response and grins as the other starts trying to rile up Minhyuk next to him, who starts to badly rap with enthusiasm but without even attempting to rhyme, no fucks given. Hyunwoo finally manages to shut him up by stuffing food into his mouth. 

Changkyun takes in the scene around him; the laughter and familiar grins of the members of Monsta X who are practically his family now. He thinks back to the very beginning of No.Mercy and to where they are now. He knows this isn’t the end, it’s nowhere near it. This is just the start. 

He smiles. 

X

Two minutes later, he’s chasing a yelling Hyungwon through the house who happened to throw a rice ball at his face for “staring off into space and smiling like a creepazoid,” or something like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Starting out, I knew that I wanted Wonho and Changkyun to end up together. Rivals (or more accurately; bully and victim) to lovers is always an interesting concept to me and I knew that it’s what I wanted for this story, even if I wanted it to be slow burn since Changkyun’s development within the team and the team dynamics came first in the story. Nowhere in my plans did I expect Kihyun to grow so close to Wonho that the whole threesome thing happened. Either way; no regrets.
> 
> 2\. Once again, I don’t know everything about kpop groups and their schedules and such or how they operate. This is mostly made up from either observations or plain imagination on how I imagined how things between entertainment companies and kpop groups happen.
> 
> 3\. If you notice any discrepancies between my use of past and present tense, I apologize. I had the hardest time sticking to one. Since it was written over a couple of weeks, I would find myself going back and forth between the two without noticing. Sorry!
> 
> Finally, please let me know what you think about the story! I would love some feedback.


End file.
